Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Poop Problem

So I have two cats. Both are 10 years old, both are indoor cats, and I love them like crazy. Both misbehave from time to time, but things have gotten awful lately. The pooping! THE POOPING ANYWHERE BUT THE LITTER BOX! Even pooping on THE BED that I share with my boyfriend!!!!! There are both a bit on the chunky and lazy side (like their mama!) and I am guessing they are just too lazy to get up off the bed during a nap and go to the litter box when the urge to purge hits. WHAT THE HELL?!?! Who or what is that lazy?!?!? Could it be something else?

And if you have ever tried to punish a cat and have tips, lemme know. So far banishment from the bedroom has lead to non-stop cat yowling and menacing glares. ARGH!!!

Um, this is somewhat unrelated, but last week I went to get gas at a Chevron on 6th Street ($3.57 a gallon - wheeeeeeeeee!). There was a crack lady at the gas station -- all bug-eyed and talkin' fast. Can I clean your windshield? Can I clean your windshield? Creepy, gross -- NO THANKS. I went to the same gas station last night and saw the same crack lady. I was watching her out of the corner of my eye when I saw her whiz past me to the sidewalk, drop her drawers and squat down. I was STUNNED. I saw her butt crack and everything! HORROR FACTOR ELEVEN!!!!!! And I know you are dying to find out if she was peeping or pooping. I couldn't make myself look. BUT, I did see her stand up real fast and yank up her jeans before she got back to work. Seriously, I wanted to talk to her and tell her she had reached rock bottom (pardon the pun). Being on crack is bad enough, but going the bathroom on a busy street sidewalk in public?!??! COME ON. Narsty.

When I went home and told my boyfriend (M) about the crack lady, he told me that he had seen worse in jail (yup, he has had a colorful life). He said that in jail they have a row of toilets without stalls or doors. WITHOUT STALLS. WITHOUT DOORS. So if/when you need to go caccadoodypoopy, you gotta drop your drawers in front of anyone around and poop and shit. MORTIFYING! Anyway, M told me that one day a guy squatted down on a toilet to take a dump and pretty much cleared the room by the stankiness of it all. B.A.D. poop, not your run-of-the-mill stink bomb. B.A.D. So the guy did his business, then just stood up and yanked his pants back on. No wiping. ZERO TOILET PAPER USAGE. That is just foul! WHO DOES THAT?!?!??!?!?!!??!

Ok! One more poop story, courtesy of M. M had a roommate that was a bit off-kilter. Cheap, smelly, didn't want a girlfriend as they are too expensive, yada yada. Let's call the roommate DAN, as that is his real name. DAN in West Covina. Well one day Dan and M were home. Nobody else was there. M went to use the toilet and saw a giant dump in the toilet bowl and NO TOILET PAPER IN THE TOILET BOWL WITH THE GIANT FLOATING POOP. ZERO TOILET PAPER. There is no possible acceptable explanation for this scenario. DAN TOOK A CRAP, DIDN'T WIPE HIS ASS AND THOUGHT HE WAS GOOD TO GO. Disgusting.