Monday, July 13, 2009

Jerkin

I can't do this:



I am not a good dancer. Hell, I can't dance for sh*t, so I just pretty much avoid dancing altogether unless I am home alone, or unless I have had a few too many drinks.

Years ago a friend asked me to be her maid of honor. HUGE GROAN, but I agreed to do it. I had to wear a red satin t-length dress with a white sash and way too much cleavage showing. HUGE GROAN. But that wasn't the worst part.

When I showed up to the wedding and met the best man, I was nervous. He was very thin, attractive and athletic looking. I was immediately suspicious, and casually asked him what he did for a living. He giddily told me that he was a professional dancer. A PROFESSIONAL DANCER.

I looked at him with narrowed eyes and knew this was not going to be good for me. Not at all. Especially when he elaborated and told me that he lived to dance (?!), and that he could not get enough of salsa, tap, ballet, and break dancing.

To illustrate his point, he gave me quick demonstrations of each dance, shimmying and shaking all around me, complete with jazz hands. And told me he could not wait to dance with me.

Well of course my brain went in to RED ALERT and AVOID-THIS-MAN-AT-ALL-COST planning mode.

When it was time for us to dance, I was conveniently hiding in a bathroom stall, with feet raised against the door. When the intercom paged my name saying I was needed on the dance floor, I ignored it. When I heard my name being shouted about the place demanding that I come out to the dance floor, I ignored it. And I am sure he got his dance on just fine without me.

49 comments:

Lianne said...

Jazz hands? Even if you could dance it would have been in your best interest to avoid this man.

chloe said...

haha that is indeed a great wedding story! my boyfriend has been asked to be best man in a few months and the bride is threatening dances to him already, lol

Elizabeth Marie said...

bwahahahaha "lived to dance (?)"

You come up with the best escape plans. You would be such a great criminal on the lam...lamb? I dunno.

And I bet you and your cleavage looked HOT in that dress!

(exhausted due to goooood times :))
XOXO

michellehendra said...

but being maid of honor is very nice! it's like you're the best friend and really special! awwww.. you don't like dancing? well i do dance a lot! i'm a dancer though.. LOL and i'm having this dance competition this friday.. i'm hoping for the first place.. LOL

XX

caroline duke said...

haaa. this is the most dreaded part of weddings for me, too.

what is it with people and their jiving?

Amy said...

That sounds like a nightmare - jazz hands - who does that shit? Makes me think of all those cheerleading movies and spirit fingers...ugh. at least you didn't go for his spirit stick...hehe

Gabbi said...

Funniest video ever! Had to watch it without sound (at work) but I think it just sort of added to it. it has a real russian thing going on doesn't it? The whole kicks move... I kept hearing 'hey!' in my head as she kicked around.

Does sound like a fun wedding though! Sure you looked gorgeous in your dress, and I hear you on the dancing. It's not really my thing either but also think I have little or no rhythm :) my cousin on the other hand is a professional flamenco dancer and watching her dance is amazing. Really admire her for being able to do that, but I would much rather watch than try it any day!

Gary Heller said...

LOL, that is a great story. Thanks that helped me a lot as I feel so less alone now.
Last year i was at a wedding anniversary party and one of my friends girlfriends pulls me out on the dance floor and say you have to dance tonight. Of course, when someone is dragged out there kicking and screaming everyone wants to watch the car crash. That was very embarassing.

Simply Mel said...

You are so damn funny! Just the visual of you in your red bridesmaid dress hiding in the bathroom stall is hilarious!

Iva said...

HA! I can't do that either. I just sat here in jaw dropping awe. major awe. lol that actually looks like it would be a good workout though lol but omg nope no way would i be able to do that.

I bet you looked beautiful. especially in red satin. complete with jazz hands? yeah I think I would have hid and ignored all attempts to find me too lol

fhen said...

i just cant imagine you wearing the red dress iding in the bathroom. that must be one of the unforgettable wedding events for you. :D
for me, i think dance is a great activity to express ourselves hihi

Lily G. said...

haha, I love this post. Glad you got out of that one huh? ;)

liliesandgrapes.blogspot.com

Diana said...

i think i slowed dance once at a junior high dance haha

Improbable Joe said...

See, chicks are lucky... they can get away with not being able to dance by having way too much cleavage! Guys have no hope!

...love Maegan said...

OMG HILARIOUS ...you ignored it!!!! ahahhaha.

I almost married a damn dancer.

MORE LIKE A DANCING QUEEN though.

The Haute-Shopper said...

Ha! Loved this story! You should have come to my wedding... I actually banned dancing at mine. Not that I have a complete aversion to dancing, but thankfully the music I listen to (rock/alternative) rarely required me to do any moves. I'll take a mosh pit over a break dance session any day. And professional dancing is even worse.. I would have been in that bathroom stall as well! I admire anyone who can do it, but it's definitely not my cup of tea.

Kotori said...

Jazz hands? And shimmying? Wow...what a catch! Your story made me literally laugh out loud.

I like to dance, but the dance floor has to be VERY crowded so I'm not noticed... I'm a little uncomfortable with my dancing moves!

GUGAW said...

that jerkin was weirdly hyponotic...i couldnt take my eyes of it

miriam said...

haha, you're in good company. i've got two left feet, any care for an exchange? xx.

Felicia said...

HAHAHAHAHA! The only good thing about weddings is the alcohol. My friend went to a dry wedding last year and I told her I would refuse to go if I were her.

Phoenix said...

LMAO at your dancing post, first of all...

second, Kung Fu Hustle rocks. It's like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon but for the cooler crowd who don't really care about tree-hopping.

lastly, Motorhead tickets sound RAD! I just don't want to be anywhere near the pit, even if I'm sporting my steel tip Doc Martens. No way...

PS did you survive girlie weekend? :)

dapper kid said...

Awww haha, it doesn't matter if you can't dance, you just have to get on the dancefloor and have fun! And yikes that best man sounds kinda scary to be honest.

Sam said...

I love it!! I'm like thatwithKaraoke!!!I run a mile and just keep running! Dancing and miming to songs, funnily enough, I'm cool with - must be the tragic performance artist in me!!

LiLu said...

The nice thing about my wedding someday will be that no one will have to be embarrassed... because there's no way they'll be a worse dancer than me.

Phoenix said...

root beer + swimming pool = good weekend. And us girls of good taste (whether it's kung fu movies or heavy metal music) should stick together :)

Hanako66 said...

ohmygod you're hilarious....I'm a dancing machine at weddings

put some booze in me and I want to shake it

alissa said...

im an annoying dancer. my friend and i like to do the double dutch (where you pretend youre swinging jumpropes and people have to get in and jump) suprisingly entertaining.

in college i used to tell people at parties that i was in river dance. and id demonstrate. last time i did it i was in heels and stomped on my own foot, resulting in a fair amount of blood. so thats the end of that.

but again, im an annoying dancer. and im rambling.

ticklishfromadistance said...

Blech city!!!! Glad you ran!!! Kung Fu Hustle is still out! Aaaaahhhhhhh! How can that be?

clarewbrown said...

aaahhhh lol!!! That is the best wedding story ever!! And what a creepy McCreeperson!! But hey at least you didn't have to do a soul train dance, like I did, this weekend and at birthday party full of people I didn't know. AAAwkward!!
Cheers, and happy Monday!
Clare

thereddeer said...

You are too funny hiding in the toilets :P

I think I would of done similar :D

E said...

That. Is. Awesome. I actually asked my own parents if we could skip the father-daughter dance because that was sufficiently mortifying/weird enough for me, so I can imagine Jazz Hands would cause me to blow a circuit. Close call, but well-played.

diane said...

That girl in the blue skinny jeans dances just like I do in the kitchen for my grand daughter. Only I don't look stupid when I do it.
I have always been able to dance, and I even won a dance contest at a radio show, beating out teenagers, when I was 7. I wasn't supposed to be there, but there I was, and they had to find a dance partner for me. He probably was wishing he could hide in a bathroom stall.

Char said...

I'm so with you on the wedding dances thing

Namine said...

yikes. now i'm freaked out. thank god i'm not in the wedding party.

K @ Blog Goggles said...

Professional dancer? Think he'd give me lessons. That'd be hot.

And the wedding I was just in - I think my dress was identical to yours. Ew.

CC said...

i don't blame you!!! I wouldn't want to dance with a professional especially if I wasn't in a dance lesson!!! cool video

Rachel Follett said...

You are too funny! I probably would have done the same.

asweetcakes said...

Hahah so funny. Did you get a lashing from the bride??

LENORENEVERMORE said...

whahaha...great story lady!
I want to see you do hula-hula & belly dancing now...hehe*

Ela said...

Jazz hands? Really!!! He gets paid for that? WOW....

brooke said...

jazz hands did it for me...any man who is man enough to show me his jazz hands wins my heart...haha.

Sandra said...

look how cute are they....awww...:)

box-of-style

down and out chic said...

haha, this man would have scared the shit out of me as well. although, i've danced before with someone who was very serious and i got really intimidated and just froze (stick straight no movement) and let him dance around me. it was horrifying. these girls are bad asses btw.

Dream Sequins said...

JAZZ HANDS. Was this guy sort of like the choreographer in Bring It On? LOL. I'm trying to picture it. I love that you hid in teh bathroom with your feet up to avoid dancing. Although, in my movie, you would find another shy dancer dude to get your groove on with. You'd ditch the jazz hands guy and do a slow glide off into the sunset, on a barge maybe, like an Audrey Hepburn movie.

Milly said...

funny story.....and that video? Plz i can't do that either..i would break a leg if i try

apriliniowa said...

My first thought was: "Is this what the kids' call dancing these days? Hopping up and down kicking your legs out!?!" The moonwalk is far cooler.
My second thought was: "I wish I had thought of hiding in the bathroom during my brother's wedding. dang!"
With that, dancers scare me, too. But I wish I could salsa! Fiercely! :)

sallymandy said...

Hilarious. I hope your satin dress didn't show under the door of the bathroom stall. Good idea to keep your feet propped up.

TERI REES WANG said...

Just think...
You could have thrown down some serious Thunder thighs against his Jazz hands. ...next time ;P

Word to the Wise:
My Man & I were completely caught off guard, when we heard our names for the "Follow-in-our-footsteps-couples-roll-call-let's-show-you-how-we-do-it-dance-off" at a friends wedding!!!! Yikes...
Note:He is a "Big-Happy-Buddha" on a few bears + a few more shots.
And the only Asian dude in the room.
I am a serious "Sober Sally" sitting in the corner, arms crossed.
And the only white chick in the place; no doubt.

He slid straight in, circle around me drink in hand, while I threw down attitude, and not much else.
I bent over and waited, pointing so he could find his way to kiss my ass...
Instead that fat bastard pretended to "do me" from behind...!!! in front of the entire wedding party, family, waiters, and all of Marina del Rey watching!!! Shock & Awe...

Still, I stood my-strong-wifey-ground, gave him my best stink eye & finger wave, when finally he did, with a huge-moon-smile...leaned in low and puckered up to my-sugar-sweet-yes-you-need-me-Ass. Phew.
Then, I pushed that dumb Ogre off me and strutted back to my corner. Amen.

We recv'd a standing ovation and shoulder slaps and congrats, and ...
"how long did you guys rehearse that"!!! Only the bride and groom knew that real life runs hotter than any rehearsal.

I gave him a "what-2-for" & an old school "Caning", and he was still laughing his Happy Buddha ass off! ;P

So, yeah..I know; run & hide.

Charlotte said...

What a spazz, who would do that? I would hide out in the bathroom too.