Friday, April 30, 2010

Open-Minded

Are you guys wise to the whole "open-minded" thing when it comes to dating? Ugh. I had to learn the hard way, so I'll enlighten those of you that are clueless.

A ways back a really good looking Italian guy expressed an interest in me. He was a bit out of my league -- just too good looking. I think he was a shorty, but the good looking factor might have made me overlook the stump factor. Anywhoo, I have a tendency to get bored, and I'll usually chat with any gents on-line that don't seem too weird or straight up psycho.

So this guido fella and I were instant messaging and it started out with the usual pleasantries, compliments, what are you doing, what do you do for a living, etc. Then the conversation went something like this:

Him: "Are you open-minded?"

Me: "Sure."

Him: "Are you really open minded?"

Me: "I think so."

Him: "Are you open minded SEXUALLY."

Me (thinking OH BOY, HERE WE GO): "Um, please be more specific."

Him: "Are you into fist f*cking?"

GASP PAUSE GASP HORROR GASP PAUSE

Him: "Hello?"

Him: "Are you there?"

Him: "Have you ever tried it?"

Me: "Sorry, I'm not the chickadee for you. Good luck out there."

OVER AND OUT.


50 comments:

Claire Kiefer said...

More internet dating stories please! These are f'ing amazing and hilarious and I LOVE them. :)

Iva said...

UMMMMM!!! OMG!!! OMG!!

Peace out dude. I love that you responded with 'chickadee' HAHAHHAHA.

horror. omg.

still processing.

God's Favorite Shoes! said...

bwaaaa haaaa...cough cough....bwaahaaa...what the hell!?!? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

sealaura said...

OMG! i am definitely not open minded! yikes. on to the next right?
have a great weekend.

Marjorie said...

You should have said "Sure, but I have really big hands, can you take it?" Lol!

Cheryl said...

WWHHHHAAAAAAT???!!!!

You know, that just sounds so violent. Fist ---ing, my God! I'm with Marjorie, has he ever been on the recieving end?

Miss Absinthe said...

nothing says I Love You like a hand up the ass... LOL

and Babe, nobody is out of your league! K!!!

Char said...

LOL man....hence the whole reason i do not IM anymore. too many weirdos

Panty Buns said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Karisa Tells All said...

Internet pervs are the best group of people out there, I'm telling you. I love your dating stories so much. More!!

bananas. said...

AHHHHHHHHHH!!! OMG wow. he doesn't beat around the bush does he?! what a freakshow but great blog post material.

Caroline said...

Shut the *f* up!!!! Sorry, I just burst out laughing. Holy hell girl...holy hell...*shaking head*

Tia said...

That is INSANE!! What a crazy bold guido!! Who the fuck just comes out with fist fucking???? Thats NOT okay!

blueviolet said...

Did you send him to Craig's List?

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Open-MINDED? That's more like open-VAGINA-ed! Like ... way, WAY open. Like ... gaping.

Ugh. *shudder*

L.A. Daze said...

OMG...what a bunch of freaks out there!!

adrienzgirl said...

Drollgirl, that's when you tell him sure thing buddy. As long as you go first and I get to tie you up. Who's open minded now biatch?

Krystal said...

HAHA i love marjorie's response, that is too perfect. yes, i love these dating stories!

Savvy Gal said...

LOL.... there are such some "interesting" guys out there. What was he thinking???

☮ midnightintern ☮ said...

The lesson to learn here is that all the decent guys have girlfriends. Seriously. The remaining dudes are all into 'fist-fucking.'

x

Tracie said...

Hilarious and horrifying at the same time.

Emelie Stanfield said...

Man oh man, what has the world come to...?!

Xx

Felicia said...

Wow. You are way more open minded than me. I've perused those internet dating sites before and feel like the men have it so much easier than the women. The ratio of hot women on sites to hot men is so unfair!!! I literally went through pages upon pages of men and NONE of them were good looking. Even the semi-good looking ones had shitty profiles too. I've lost all faith in humanity.

TERI REES WANG said...

Jeeze Louise!..

At least he didn't offer you up a "Dirty Sanchez" in the heat of the night!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dirty+sanchez

You got off easy. ;{0

Brooke said...

People are so creepy...Hahaha. I had Skype up the other day while I was doing work. Some random person sent me a message, asked if I had a dog, and then, asked if my dog likes to like my pu$$y (he wrote it like that). I never responded, obviously. Because, HOW DID HE KNOW?

Not really. GROSS.

frenchie said...

fucking hell!!!!

he's lucky your mama raised you right and you were polite enough to said bye!!

i would have left it there!

have a love ly weekend lady!
xo

Asylum Dolly said...

Jesus H Christ!!! Way to be subtle guido!!!!! That is fucked up! But AWESOME blog post material :DOh

oh man,IM can be uncomfortable.Lately on facebook I've had a guy i barely know call me "sweetie" and another call me "dearest"...which i guess is waaaaay nicer then getting ivitations for a fistfuck (jeez it's such a gross and violent sounding thing!), but it's still uncomfortable when out of the blue. I guess I'm naieve.

Oh the stupid love game.The guys I'm interested in are NOT interested in me, and the guys I'm not interested in ARE. It's always the damn way isn't it?. Sigh.
Better luck next time , girl! I think it's awesome that you put him in his place super quick!

Marjories comment is pure WIN btw :)

WendyB said...

Rita took the words right out of my mouth.

Kathryn said...

Creepy!

Guess that sums up why he is still on the market. Sounds like you handled it very tactfully and to the point.

While I have known several couples who have met and become married through their internet dating adventures, mine have been horror stories similar to this one which is why I gave it up.

My only tips is if you do ever decide to meet a fella that you have met over the internet, tell them in advance that you only have 1 hour for dinner due to prior commitments and meet in a busy restaurant in public so he will not know where you live...you can learn a lot about a fella about how he treats the waitstaff, interacts with other people and how he tips. If it is dreadful, you only have to deal with it for an hour. If it seems delightful, it will leave him wanting more and want a 2nd date and give you a chance to reflect objectively on him and not just get wowed if he seems wicked hot.

Little Gamine said...

HA! Should'a told him ELBOWS DEEP!

BTW, the fact that you have an adorable kitty on top is enough, but you also have DETHKLOCK?!?!

SO. METAL.

A. said...

Over and out is right.
Holy fuck.

the spectator said...

My initial reaction to your post - a big out loud laugh.
Next reaction - YUCK he's a creep.

I have a friend whose party trick is to stick her whole fist in her mouth.

Kaz said...

'Open-minded' in internet dating speak translates as "will you do all the things my girlfriend/wife won't do...oh yeah, I'm married/attached by the way, you're ok with that aren't you?"

Sigh

Kitty Stampede said...

he should just go fist his own guido ass. WTF!!!! bagafhahahahuhfooohahooga.
oh gawd, the internet spawns freaks that should be buried deep in caves with hot, stinky, steaming dung.
what a freak.
you are awesome and i want you to land the most hilarious (besides my man..;) ) dude on the planet that will make you have earthquake laughters constantly. you so deserve the best cause you are the BEST!!! :D

PinkBow said...

oh my goodness, there are some weirdos out there! do you ever get tired of the whole dating thing? it's such a nightmare trying to find a prince amongst all of the weirdos!

Ch√Ętelaine - The Garden Fairy said...

Muahahhh! EX-act-LY what I encountered here, a gazillion miles over the Big Pond - when I was out on dating ( which is accurately 3,5 years ago now, as I found in the meantime) And yes, you could bet, if the pesky question came: "Umm...how open minded ARE you?" - I already knew what was to come. Same sort of stuff and even more gross.
It is impossible to translate it as it is colloquial, but in German they say sort of: "Bist Du fuer alles offen?"
("Are you open-minded?") And I from then on answered always: "Dann waere ich ja nicht ganz dicht" - which is coll. in English like: one beer short of a sixpack. Prooved to be THE answer...

DREAMER'S DEN said...

what the hell is wrong with some people?!
good lord almighty -- i do not envy your search....

Jill said...

REALLY?! What a dumbass. I would have had to ask whose fist? You could have told him you have "man hands".

I'll have to tell you my weird dating story someday. Although not as "open-minded" as yours!

Georgina said...

Actually, wouldn't that be an open-ended relationship? OK, sorry, that was disgusting. Delete my comment if you must. - G
Today's word verification: flablick. For reals. I'm not making this up.

Kristin said...

O-M-G FREEEEEEEAK. Side note...the dude's pediatrician is a shorty but SO freaking good looking that I never notice. He told me that I was looking great at one of our appts. and I giggled like a 13 year old.

Pretty Little World said...

I feel like this guy doesn't make it to a lot of first dates.

Jennifer DeDonato said...

What a dork...bye bye

Jessica said...

And this is why we are single. Grrrr stupid men.

Cristin said...

Prude.

;)

Kristine said...

Who can resist such a heartwarming and romantic suggestion? I'm sorry...
I'm off to barf now.

Heather Taylor said...

WTF? Next guy, please.

JenRem said...

So I'm open minded, even sexually, but this is just too much. Mainly just the fact that this is one of the first things he asked you makes me crazy. What a weirdo.

Down and Out Chic said...

OH MY GAWD. what a dumbass! who says that? ugh.

Diana said...

VOM!!!

These are amazing stories to tell to the perfect guy you do find!!

Hanako66 said...

jesus

i don't even have words