Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Worst Laid Plans: When Bad Sex Happens to Good People

Well this book looks promising!

worst laid plans when bad sex happens to good people book cover



I guess we've all had experience with bad sex. The worst episode I can recall involved pastrami. My partner had wolfed down a pastrami sandwich before we headed off to have sex. I find pastrami R-E-V-O-L-T-I-N-G, and that was all I could taste and smell during our sex romp. Needless to say, it was all I could do not to gag while that pastrami breath chased me to and fro, and when the pastrami flavored tongue joined the party I almost hurled. I didn't have the nerve to say anything to him about his stank and rank breath and taste. This was LONG AGO in the young years when I was nice and quiet. If a similar scene happened today, I would pipe right up and tell my partner to brush, floss, gargle, rinse and repeat or GET LOST.

Of course now I am thinking of many other bad sex stories, but I think I'll limit my sharing today. Aren't you relieved?! LOL.

Care to entertain us with any of your bad sex stories? Please do so in the comment section, and if you are feeling shy you can post anonymously.

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49 comments:

Panty Buns said...

i LOVE hearing bad sex stories! i'd love to read about your other bad sex stories too. Many of the women i've dated might include me in their bad sex stories because they discovered after some foreplay that i (a guy) was wearing ladies panties and needed to be spanked to perform.

Jake said...

I was propositioning a girl for her to perform a certain sex maneuver popular amongst young men, when her cellphone goes off and this particular song happens to be her ringtone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyl5Mwr84MA#t=0m5s

Lady Ren said...

Um I think I will read not share! Actually let
me think about it some more...

bananas. said...

Oh yea...i've had bad sex experiences before, most involving my ex who SUCKED at it. But the one that always comes to mind is the one i always regret. First of all, i couldn't feel anything which explains the size problem. And second, the bastard tried to choke me while he was climaxing. Um never okaay.

Brooke said...

Bad sex stories are hilarious. I just wish I could think of some of my own. But, alas, I don't have any pastrami stories :)

sealaura said...

No bad story here, but yours was hysterical!! GAG GAG GAG. Glad you would call a guy out now, haha!!

Kirsty said...

Haha that title is the best ever!

The Zhush said...

That pastrami story! eeewww and lol...all at the same time! Too funny!

tulpen said...

I was spared a bad sex story by a friend in college who caught a bunch of guys positioned at a window ready to watch me and my boyfriend go at it. boobs was all they got. ha.

Anonymous said...

well this isn't MY bad sex story, but ozzy osbourne was on howard stern once talking about having sex with his wife, sharon. and he said it was like flying a cessna airplane into the grand canyon.

Christiejolu said...

You caught my attention witht he bad sex story involving pastrami! LOL!

Katy Mary said...

Ugh that sounds so gross. I've definitely had some super bad experiences. This book is probably hilarious.

L.A. Daze said...

Ew, gross, pastrami breath! Yuck! I think i've blocked all the bad memories out of my head.

Iva said...

PASTRAMI BREATH?! YUCK.

this book seems hilarious LOL LOL!

Phoenix said...

I am laughing my ass off right now at both your blog and most of the comments... particularly Jake's. I have been strangely spared from sex mishaps (maybe because I'm such a klutz everywhere else) but a friend of mine has a good one: the first time she ever gave a guy a blow-job he ended up hitting her in the eye.

Lovely. When she told me I laughed so hard I cried.

drollgirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

used to work with a friend who had lots of "is it in yet?" and "i can't feel anything" stories. horrifying.

Anonymous said...

does having to tell a guy WRONG HOLE over and over again count?

...love Maegan said...

This Part: "This was LONG AGO in the young years when I was nice and quiet"


...is my favorite.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

OMG! I must read this book immediately.

I won't elaborate (much) on my bad sex story, but it involved partial flaccidity, one squinted eye, and the unfortunate words "round two."

Missy said...

I have had a few bad sex moments! Usually involves bad timing!

Kaz said...

In a moment of passion (in a car. In the dark), I was reaching up to caress the back of his head. At the same time, he was moving his face down to mine, and we connected

And I ended up giving him a blood nose

How romantic ;-)

Jenny said...

My last boyfriend could ONLY perform if I talked dirty to him..which was the same story over and over and over. He was also a "never nude" so we would have to be completely covered by a blanket. To top things off he made the stupidest faces and I mostly hated him so it was hard not to laugh and cry at the same time.

SabinePsynopsis said...

Pastrami, mmh? I think (one of) my worst included too many Margaritas on my side - but lets not get into that! You do know that we are now expecting regular updates on bad sex stories. And if you can't deliver, maybe you could interview some friends...

TERI REES WANG said...

It's hard enough just to get my dear Kahuna to roll over in my direction.

One, late night in his overly-down-and-dirty-drunken state...
he got a little too ambitious.

Re-directing traffic under the sheets, is a given with a big-dumb-happy-drunken-Buddha-dog, but this was a whole other animal.

I finally hung five right toes to the tip of his chin, lifted up high, and power-housed my left leg, heeled him a blow straight to the heart, that threw him up and off the end of the bed, and crashed his big Samoan sized head.
I stood tall and victorious across the mattress top, peering over the edge to see what kind of damage I had done.
There he was, splayed out along the floor with that same stupid Happy Buddha smile plastered strong and steady on his face, and then...

he started to snore.

Emelie - C'est LA vie said...

haha at first I was afraid that "involved pastrami" would be more literal...

Anonymous said...

Oh lord, do I have a good story for this. And I'm posting anonymously because I'm a coward.

My worst story involved a guy wearing a Magnum that was WAY too big so it fell off. Because I was incredibly drunk we tried again, but we were so drunk he couldn't finish. We fell asleep and his snoring was so bad, I moved to the couch. In the morning, he asked why I slept on the couch and I told him that it was just because my bed was too small. UGH.

Also, he had a foot fetish. VOM. IT.

Caroline said...

LOL...I want to get this book! Worst was...so small I could not feel it. It was so horrible and I was so mortified...I just played along. I felt so bad...but promptly broke off the relationship.

Cheryl said...

Ooo, that last one (Caroline's) I can relate. That's all I'm going to say...

anotherfishinthesea said...

HAHHAA you kill me. I woulda handled it the same way back in the day, but no WAY that would fly now. ew.

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Kathleen said...

BAHAAHHAHA!!!! You are too funny! hmmm...i know i have some....dammit. hmmm...besides the `Hurry Ups`, my brain can`t think too clearly right now...shit.
but one thing i gotta say...I HATE PUKE GAG the smell of Salami...i`m guessing pastrami is similar...those smells and sexy time DO NOT mix.
okay, i gotta sit and stew over bad sex stories, it`s really pissing me off that i don`t have an instant one.

Asylum Dolly said...

YES! What a great book! Gotta get that into my collection!!!
Oh lordy, the pastrami! Ewwww! You poor thing! I must admit my mind was picturing dirtier things when i read the word "pastrami".But I'm a filthy one.
Oh man, i need to think...i have DEFINITELY got some stories, but i need to think of something I'm comfortable sharing publicly....but if i post anonymously right after this comment it will be obvious that it's me....oh fuck it.

Ok. So, this guy seemed quite nice, and was very attractive (ie i was really drunk), but when we get to business time, he casually suggests that i pee on him.
me: "say wha..?"
him: "c'mon, piss on me. I wanna see how dirty you can be"
me: "Um...I'm not generally into THAT kind of dirty.."
him "Then lick my asshole"
me: "Er.. maybe we should have a shower"
him: "yeah, lets go in the shower, "
we go to the shower, and he proceeds to pee on my leg. WTF?! I am getting less and less horny, whilst he just seems to be getting more revved up. I pretend to be sick very suddenly (although i really didn't need to pretend much), and get out of the shower, and act out a big drama that i need to lie down.
he takes this as an indication that I'm ready for it, and follows me. I pretend to be asleep as he tells me I'm sexy and he really wants to eat my shit and cum all over my face. The sweet talk continues, as does quite a bit of groping, but by now i am just irritated, so i tell him apologetically ( but quite firmly )that i really really need to just lie down , or i might have a seizure. He buys the lie, and proceeds to have a wank- spritzing his man juice allover my sheets, and using his shirt to wipe himself off.
The next morning, i tell him i am expecting visitors today so he will leave ASAP, and thankfully he does,( wearing his cummy t-shirt) but not before kissing me and saying " bye sweetie". SWEETIE!!??? You wanna eat my bodilies, and you fucking piss on me, and you're trying to be tender??? BARF.
I spend the next few weeks avoiding him like the plague until he gets the hint and stops trying to chat me up.
Thank FUCK my party days are over, and i have since grown a fucking brain.
Masturbation is safer and easier! Each to their own, but I WILL NEVER EAT SHIT OR URINE. Going to the toilet does NOT make me horny!!! I mean, there's dirty and there's dirty...Letting me handcuff them= good. Wanting to eat my poo poos= BAD.
It sounds terribly old fashioned, but the next man i let inside MY er, "sacred cave" (what? i don't know. Um, vagina i guess.) will have to earn the privelege! Also as i have a kid now, I am ever wary of what kind of men i will let into my house.
But yeah, anyway, that's one of my stories. I much prefer to read about them than experience them!!!
I had a friend who dislocated her knee whilst having sex. That was pretty funny...well, not for her, but for me when she told me :)

Polly said...

Haha that story made me laugh!
Poor you! x

ANDWHATELSEISTHERE said...

man i am really reading all the comments here. this should be one of the most interesting posts i've ever encountered in every blog. this totally totally cracks me up!

ANDWHATELSEISTHERE

SHOP

Jill said...

This did not lead to sex...Funyun and Root Beer Schnapps breath on a sexy surfer boy does not make for good foreplay.

Farah said...

hahahaha thats so funny! LOL

Down and Out Chic said...

pastrami?! yikes. i haven't had that type of meat since i was a kid, but now i'm curious about it although i suppose i should be revolted. maybe i'm just hungry?

Kristine said...

Poor you! Strange, I often smell pastrami in the car and wonder who is eating deli sandwiches in the backseat since we are not a pastrami household.
I am squirming a lot reading all the comments. Too many flashbacks of all my own awkward embarrassing weird experiences, chills!!

Anonymous said...

Jackhammer sex. A big turn off. The guy was such a good dancer, I was sure is was going to be good in bed, I was wrong!

Anonymous said...

I dated a guy who was in it for himself. He'd finish and turn around and fall asleep!

Anonymous said...

Bad, bad oral sex. Like a dog lapping up water. Sooo bad I stopped him.

frenchie said...

never had real funny bad sex stuff...just the usual...."is he in?..." or...about to climax when kinda disturb by a loud noise...drunk boyfriend fell asleep and was snoring like his life depending on it...not sexy.
the kilt was though!
see...nothing to compare with some of the story here!!

Asylum Dolly said...

I'm back to read all the bad sex stories! tee hee. i agree with anonymous re: jackhammer sex. Not fun.Its all over too quickly and we ladies just don't get a chance to enjoy the big O. Slow(ish.) and steady wins the race, gentlemen!

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Jessica said...

I am so embarrassed but what the hell. It was small - very like lost in my hand small. I had just broken up with my ex so I was feeling all bad about myself. Plus while giving him head stuff just wasn't right idk what that was. I now have a cold sore in my mouth thanks to him yay tmi? probably sorry and uh he decided that I had said I loved him lmao uh no then I stopped speaking to him so he left me alone guh wtf was I thinking. Plus sadly that was the last time I had some. I hope I don't die before I get some again coz if that was the last time then the universe hates me.

Diana said...

oh, no!! VOM!!
the idea of pastrami doesn't sound good at lunch let alone for SEX! you poor girl!

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