Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Skirt the Issue

Picture 1
image found here

I wear a lot of skirts. I must have 50 skirts. Possibly 100. Anyway, you would think that I would be GOOD at wearing skirts at this point in my life. Normally I don't have issues with skirts. NORMALLY.

A while back I went to a wine tasting with a friend at this place. I was wearing a skirt, (and a top - har) feeling fine, and enjoying myself as my friend and I sampled various types of wine, grubbed on some crackers and cheese, and chit-chatted the afternoon away. After we finished our wine, I made my way to the restroom, took care of business, and then made my next stop at the cashier area where I was trying to decide which bottles of wine I wanted to buy. The next thing I knew, the owner of the wine shop was charging over to me at full speed. She grabbed my head and loudly whispered in my ear, "YOUR SKIRT IS IN YOUR BUTT." Meaning: My skirt was jammed in my underwear and everybody could see everything THAT I TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO EXPOSE IN PUBLIC. Horror factor eleven. Of course there were people all around milling about, and of course they saw my backside in all of its glory. THE HORROR. My face is turning red just typing this stupid story.

So you think I would have learned from this stupid skirt experience, and that I would ALWAYS CHECK THE REAR VIEW when exiting a restroom.

As I arrived at work today, entered an ELEVATOR FULL OF PEOPLE, and exited the elevator to a LOBBY FULL OF PEOPLE, a beautiful young lady stopped me, pulled me aside, and told me MY SKIRT WAS IN MY BUTT. FUCK ME IN THE ASS. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. WHAT THE FUCK. Red Face! Red Face!

And FUCK YOU to all the folks that saw me and didn't say a word! And FUCK ME for making this stupid mistake again! ARGH!!!



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72 comments:

Morgan said...

Oh my god! That's my worst nightmare! I wear dresses all the time and am so paranoid that is going to happen to me. Poor thing! Glad at least once person was decent and told you.

Gabby said...

OH NO!! That is awful...I totally cringed just imagining it! Thank goodness someone told you :)

Iva said...

OMG OMG OMG!! I AM SOOOOOOOOO SORRY!! SO SO SO SORRY!!!

That drives me nuts when people don't HELP someone out!! UGH UGH UGH!!!

oh drollgirl. I am so sorry. I am sure you still feel uncomfortable. Please don't! Things happen! so much on our minds running around trying to get a million and ten things done! Nobody stops to think about pulling a skirt check in the back!! IT TOTALLY OK!! You are too fabulous to think it was a "stupid mistake" are you are GENIUS!!! it happens!! I'll tell you STUPID mistake...I broke my toe today running to get the baby at 5am because she now things thats the best time to wake up and party!!

Hope you are feeling better!! Don't worry AT ALL!!

Emily said...

What the hell is wrong with people?!? Seriously, what has happened to society when people don't have the decency to help a gal out? WTF? -e

Midtown Girl said...

I would have totally told you!! Why are peeps so scared of helping someone out? Sheesh!!

blueviolet said...

I would totally tell you that you had a dress up your ass. I promise!

Brooke said...

Okay, so now, I have an excuse for never wearing skirts!

In high school, I was friends with 2 best friends, if that makes any sense. During 7th period (end of the school day), one of the friends goes, "Oh, you've had something in your teeth all day. It's still there. Just thought I would tell you." They weren't best friends for awhile after that.

bananas. said...

wait a second...is your bum numb to cold air and/or wind breezes?! i would totally feel my bare ass exposed!!! haha.

no need to feel embarassed after the fact. during, yes but now it's just funny.

Christybernadet said...

Oh I've done this at work so many times! Fortunately there's always been someone to let me know as I was exiting the restroom. Embarassing, but shit happens. : )

...love Maegan said...

ahahahahahahh ...I'm laughing at your story and your Fuck You to everyone who didn't offer to help ..ahahah ...but not your actual experience ...cuz being totally embarrASSED is never fun!!!

Phoenix said...

Humanity FAIL. People wouldn't like it if that happened to them and no one told them... those people are douchebags.

I'm so sorry... that would me make totally uncomfortable too and I'd want to punch out every single idiot who didn't tell me to my face. Not cool.

Also, re: your comment on my blog - girl, that sucks. I've had bad landlords with seriously bad vibes before and it's so not fun... fingers crossed that this biatch gets the hell out of your apartment and life, F-A-S-T.

::hugs::

Tracie said...

OMG! I've been there - done that. It's a horrible feeling.

Once I stepped on my skirt while I was squatting down helping small children at church. When I stood up, my skirt came down. In front of my whole Sunday School class. (and God)

Tia said...

and that is why I NEVER wear skirts. Seriously, I got married in jeans, cause me and dresses don't mix.
But a big FUCK YOU to the bitches who didn't immediately pull you aside and tell you to get you skirt out yo butt!

Hanako66 said...

i am so sorry but i am keeled over laughing right now

Shorty said...

Oh my, I feel for you! I'm always paranoid about that happening to me, too. I am always looking down and over my shoulder if a mirror is not available to check for skirt issues or toilet paper strands. I would've come running to you, too!

(On a side note, the word verification for this response is..
ASHOT!
This can mean your ass was hot, or you gave everyone a shot! I'm sorry... I digress.)

Alicia said...

oh no!!! i can't believe they didn't tell you before! RUDE!! and i've totally done that too, so i know how you feel, lol! looking back, its kinda funny!

L.A. Daze said...

Wait, do you not feel a breeze? Ahahah sorry but that sucks! As for people not telling you - I don't understand that! Are they too embarrassed for you to say anything? Not polite at all.

Christy said...

Dude. I can't believe no one else spoke up! I mean, that sort of thing should be obvious to ANY and EVERYONE who see it... Nobody wants their hiney hangin' out! Aaaghh.... I'm SO sorry that happened to you!

But anytime anything like that happens to me, I look at it this way:
It's an exercise in humility.

Don't sweat it! You're friggin' awesome!

Trixie said...

I'm so sorry! You must have been mortified! Those people should have told you!!!As a fellow skirt wearer, I feel your pain! I'm obsessive about my skirt after leaving the restroom and I put my hands up under it in the back and sides if there is no mirror (even if there is) to make sure that never happens. But of course...one time I was wearing a long elastic waist skirt and I rolled my work chair on it without knowing and when I stood up my skirt pulled off :D

Alisa said...

I can relate. This happened to me when I was 12 yrs old. I was on an air plane, went to the bathroom, walked down the long isle, finally a woman grabbed my arm and said "Honey, your dress is tucked into your panties." I felt like dying, I had walked down that long narrow isle with all those people facing my behind!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Oh, I think my face is red on your behalf for that one(s)! Precisely why I rarely wear skirts (well, that and my legs remind me of sausages).

How horrible, but on the bright side, thank God for the people who pointed it out! Just think if everyone would've kept quiet!

Caroline said...

OMG!!!!! So so sorry sweetie. But you kinda made my day...I am sorry to giggle. But I would have felt the same way!!!

Nina said...

those people are so mean and not nice, it will happen to them next :)

fashionableroad.blogspot.com

asweetcakes said...

Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nightmares!!!

Jenny. said...

Hahahahahahahaha(pause)hahahahahahahahahahaha!
I used to use green concealer to counteract redness but would often forget to rub it in..many times my friends wouldn't tell me and I walked around thinkin' I looked fine as hell but really looked like the Incredible Hulk minus muscles..

Claire Kiefer said...

Oh man oh man oh man. I have to admit it's kinda funny, however HORRIFYING the incident was in the moment. I wear skirts every day, and I always worry that my laptop bag is gonna pull my skirt up to my hips or over my butt and I'm going to show off my panties to a whole school full of teenagers. Which would be a disaster.

Hope your day gets better!

Châtelaine - The Garden Fairy said...

Oh HELL ! I'm sooo sorry, but I burst with laughter here, full over my keyboard... and I was eating sort of crackers. So my PC looks yucky now :-).... but I still laugh loud. Yes, I had a comparable experienece once in Opera, with a long gown... stuck at the same place as your shorter skirt. Oh PAIN to walk all the Foyer with the rear seam stuck in my very short undies. Maybe from this time on I switched more and more to pants. I rarely wear any skirts nowadays. Maybe that "event" is the reason... grin.

g e o r g i a said...

Aw you poor girl! This reminds me of one time at the pool a lady had a hole in her swimsuit, we are talking about right in the butt crack! I felt so bad for her! So atleast it wasnt that, if it makes you feel better!

Karisa Tells All said...

ugh thats even worse than leaving the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe! I was at a bar recently and there was tp on the floor near the bar (probably trailed in from someone else!) and I got that stuck on my shoe even though I never even went to the bathroom. That wasn't nearly as embarrassing as yours though, sorry!

Felicia said...

Oh no!!! That is mortifying!!! Hopefully you can pay it forward if you ever see someone else in the same predicament!

WendyB said...

I love that you shared this story.

My mother still talks about a lady she saw when she (my mother) was about 7. The lady had her skirt caught in her big girdle. My mother and her friend chased after the lady yelling at her about her skirt, but she got on the bus before they caught her.

When my mother tells the story, I always wonder if there's a woman somewhere telling the matching story, "Let me tell you about the time my skirt was caught in my girdle on the bus!"

God's Favorite Shoes! said...

I promise I am not laughing at you...I'm laughing with you! That kind of unlucky luck happens to me too often. My choice of embarrassment comes in the form of falling and busting my ass all the time.

Oh wait, this might cheer you up. I went on an interview today...cute suit, perfect make up...answering the questions perfectly and my FUCKING STOMACH STARTS GROWLING!!!!!!!!!Damnit! Damnit! ANd I ate lunch.

My stomach is so used to eating a snack after work that it protested a detour in the fucking schedule!

I just pretended like the growling was coming from the lady who was interviewing me. She was giveing me the side eye and I was giving her one too! LOL

Kitty Stampede said...

Oh GOD! I feel your PAIN. This happened to me before a huge concert at some bar with a SHIT PILE of people. Luckily some girl I didn't know approached me and told me, cause I was walking around all drunk and having a gay old time. I was em"bareassed" but the drunk helped. I can't even imagine sober, Holy DICKS.

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Oh my, that sucks. Seriously people need to share when they see -it's a good thingg!

morgan said...

Don't worry - you're not alone. I've done it too and was kindly approached by some chick in a bar - A BAR - after a whole table of guys was checking out my goods. Good times.
Rest assured that if I were there, I would tell you your goods were on display :)

Sam said...

Oh yeah!!!! I am so so sorry that happened to you!!! As a tecaher and an avid skirt wearer I always always always double and triple check I have not tucked in my skirt to my undies after going to the bathroom!!!! I have heard many a horror story of teachers walking into class al fresco so to speak.

anotherfishinthesea said...

I'm pretty sure your real-life horror stories are one of my favorite things ever, you tell them so hilariously, I die laughing. Sorry about the skirt times two though, that sucks!! Just think though, it could be worse, at least you don't teach middle schoolers and didn't have that happen in front of them!

Missy said...

LMAO! I am so sorry! That is just so bad...

K.Line said...

Egad! The other day I was walking down the street behind a woman whose skirt was up at her hip on one side - hiked up by her bag - and I was amazed she couldn't feel the breeze. I mean her ass was on display for all to see - she was wearing a freakin' thong! I tried to catch up with her to let her know. Really, it was obscene, but she veered off into a bank before I could get close. And I wasn't going to run after her in a place with tons of people to tell a woman I didn't know from Adam about her wardrobe malfunction. I worried she would think I was some kind of freak.

Now that I'm writing this, it occurs she would probably simply have been grateful. But that awkward moment of making contact in a crowded building was too much for me.

Side note: Never seen this before and then 2 days later it happened again with a totally different woman. In the same stretch of road?? I went after her too, but she sensed the skirt hike and pulled it down before I had to say anything...

Needless to say I'm keeping constant vigilance on my hem lately.

Lorena said...

I am laughing and I should not be as I have been there- NOT SO OUT THERE but, somewhere in between.
For what it is worth I would have told you or pushed you against a wall...

TERI REES WANG said...

...If I were there...

I would pull it out Yo'Butt..
MySeph!

I would.

tulpen said...

Fucking awesome. So sorry about exposing you biscuits to the gang in the elevator, but fuck it was fun laughing at you.

I have a good boob exposing story, maybe I'll post it and link to you here as my inspiration.

Gabbi said...

Ok, this isn't funny... I know. But seriously, fuck'em all is right. And you got a fine butt, so whatever, let them look!!

My thing is that the buttons on my tops open. Yeah, sooo embarrrasing, and it happens often!

Len♥reNeverM♥re said...

Sorry J I couldn't help myself fm LOLing! That sweet lady deserved a huge kiss fm you!

Farah said...

OMG!! Sorry love but I couldnt help myself from laughing real hard! Love ya!! ;)

and btw, bedbugs are so disgusting!

Fashion, Art and other fancies said...

So sorry to hear that, sweetie, as human beings we need to be nicer to one another. I adore skirts, too and enjoy wearling them. Don't let this put you off.

Krystal said...

but a good story to tell =)

SabinePsynopsis said...

I know I shouldn't but I had to laugh so much! Arrggh, this is every woman's nightmare and the way you told it it's a DOUBLE great story... And your behind (about which you always complain, but I'm sure it's gorgeous!) is probably being fancied by many a man as we speak. (Does that really freak you out now?)

knk said...

cut doll looks very pretty

ticklishfromadistance said...

Hahahahahahahahahahah! ssholes. You are too awesome.

vacation rentals miami said...

I don't get why people are so unwilling to help. Heck, if I see a woman wth smudged mascara, an undone button, or especially a skirt wedgie, I let her know. On the other hand, it is kind offunny, so forgive :)

The Zhush said...

wow....speechless!

Clarity said...

Oh my goodness. I am a dress/skirt wearer too and do this twist head thing to always check behind me, sometimes even when stepping outdoors.

The way you vent makes me smile, so funny.

Btw back, after Renee left I wanted to be quiet for a while. Do you understand?

The Cottage Cheese said...

Oh no!!! I worry about this when I wear skirts too, now I'm going to be super paranoid. Yes, a big f-you to all of those other people who didn't tell you.

Keith said...

That is so terrible. I'm so sorry for you. Somebody should have told you. I don't blame you for being upset.

Kristine said...

Poor girl!! I feel your pain. I would have told you. I am very vigilant with all my friends and am doing teeth and snot checks on a regular basis. I once walked around the city wearing light pants with period stains all over the backside (how I didn't feel it I don't know)until a woman pulled me aside and told me. I wanted to die on the spot.Hope you don't get too many flashbacks. (get it?! flash backs?!!)

Jessica said...

Wow that does suck. I never wear skirts. Oddly however I have worn more skirts / dresses in the last week then in the five years previously combined. I'm always tugging at the back of the skirt for that kinda reason. I hate skirts I am a total jeans and tee kinda girl. You have now ensured that I stay that way forever. Oh and I'm sure your butts awesome ;) so did you have on a thong, no panties, granny panties? we need those details.

Stacy said...

I left you something on my blog!

http://stacysaysblog.blogspot.com/

Jennifer DeDonato said...

Oh man that totally sucks! That's one of those nightmares you have as a girl. Well at least you didn't have toilet paper hanging out the back also.

Down and Out Chic said...

well, since you shared, i too have a pretty good skirt story. so there i am, as a social worker with a bunch of narcotics officers one day BANGING on a house we assume is trafficking drugs. banging, banging, me screaming my bloody head off for the people to open and the officers behind me NOT saying anything. no one's home. i get back into the car, drive back to the office. my intern at the time walked by me in the hall and said, "nice underwear." i look down and to my HORROR my whole skirt had ripped up the backside from hem to the top and my WHOLE BUTT was exposed (luckily i was not wearing a thong). not one of the narcotics officers said a word to me. i asked on of them later as we went back to the house (this time with a sweatshirt tied around my waste) and he swore, rather red faced, that none of them saw anything. uh huh.

Annie said...

YOU POOR GIRL!!!! i would be DEVESTATED! i'd probably have to leave work and go home and cry about it...
i can't believe no one said anything :( made for a good post at least ;)
i hope today is going much better hun!!

Heather Taylor said...

I feel your pain! This happened to me at the airport once. The AIRPORT with hundreds of people roaming around. Thankfully I had stockings on underneath or else I would have let lose a slew of swear words to everyone who passed me and just let it be.

Asylum Dolly said...

OMIGOD you poor thing! That would be MORTIFYING!!!!!!
You were very brave to recap the story here! How embarrassment. I will be ultra paranoid now whenever it's a skirt day.

I always wonder at the people who see everything but don't bother telling the person what has happenned! It's so fucking rude! Not to mention cruel. Some people reckon they don't want to say anything because they "didn't want to be impolite" FUCK! So it's more polite to just let someone look like king of the dicks for the rest of the damn day! I've had that happen with a piece of basil stuck in my teeth, when trying to impress a guy :S Not quite as bad as the skirt in the undies thing, but still.
Maybe wear slacks for a while ;)

十十f十 said...

if you looked so delicious like that doll, at least you looked good having your skirt in your butt. don't f**k me for saying this (lol). i've exposed myself in public not a few times. and there're other embarrassing moments, i assure you.

Jill said...

I am SO sorry. I can't even imagine. The other day, my husband and I were at a restaurant. A woman was sitting at the bar. A guy walked up to her and they shook hands and started chatting. It looked like a blind date. Later, the man went off to the restroom...came back with toilet paper hanging out of the top of his pants...FOR REAL! Like 3 feet of paper! I begged my husband to do something about it. He nonchalantly walked over and tugged on the tp and walked off. The man could see my husband reflected in the mirror behind the bar. When they left, he looked over at my husband and mouthed "thank you". What a nightmare!

uglygirl said...

Oh my gosh, I have nightmares about this sort of thing. Especially where I'm wearing terrible saggy underwear or a big fat sanitary pad or something.

At first I thought there was a typo you were wearing a top-hat, which would be totally awesome because I have a top hat and although I've only worn it once (it calls for a black tie affair, I think) I rocked the shit out of that fucker.

Kathryn said...

People need to learn the code... someone says "I see London, I see France" and all the ladies in the are know to check to see if their skirt is their butt, much like have with jeans where someone says "XYZ" and then they all check their zipper and are too busy worrying about their own zipper to notice who was really was sharing shorts or family jewels with the world.

Diana said...

I heard NY is currently infested with them. EEEK!

Diana said...

oh wait! sorry, i thought i was commenting on the bed bug one. Q _Q

Diana said...

Ok, I am scared to death for people if i even see a piece of food on their face or a flyaway on their hair. i would have pulled you by the hair and never allowed you to leave in public. WHERE ARE THE NICE PEOPLE THESE DAYS?

Laura @ EdenRose said...

You poor thing!!! I am obsessive about checking my face, ass, zipper and everything else before i leave home or the bathroom. I am a magnet for embaressing situations so totally paranoid!!

executive training said...

Oh yes, happened to me many times. Luckily I never spent too much time like this, my friends managed to inform me before all the club could see me. But yes, it is a nightmare.