Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Get out of My Way!!!

I live in Los Angeles, the city with the worst traffic on planet earth.  My 11-mile commute takes 60 minutes.  It is MADDENING. 

I do everything in my power to avoid getting stuck behind any of the following: 

Old People Driving
Please just take a taxi!

Bus
City bus drivers CANNOT BE TRUSTED!  They are the angriest people on earth!  They will fuck your shit up!

Toyota Prius
Prius drivers are the worst drivers on earth.  There.  I said it. 

prison bus
Potential boyfriends on board?  Bah.

gardeners truck
Gardeners are quite possibly the slowest drivers on earth. 

moped
I just want to RUN OVER YOU.

bicyclist
I really hate sharing the road with you.

student driver signs
You have no business driving in a big city!  Go learn to drive in the country!

Semi Truck Image
You scare the hell out of me!

garbage_truck
You stink!  And you fuck up my commute every Thursday!

0_street_views_-_waverley_bridge_1yh11_vintage_bus_erm143
TOURISTS!  Gah!  GAH!!!!  They have all the time in the world to mosey about the city and smile!  Gah!


As if driving in this city wasn't bad enough, Obama was in Los Angeles yesterday, and he PRETTY MUCH FUCKED TRAFFIC ALL TO HELL. My one hour commute turned into TWO FUCKING HOURS. I was livid. Everyone on the road looked like they were going to explode. So Obama, DON'T EVER COME TO LOS ANGELES AGAIN! NEVER! EVER!!!  Nor should any other future head of state!!! NEVER!!! &#**!@^*#^$!@@!!!



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56 comments:

TERI REES WANG said...

He's still here.

We should all just stay in bed.

Cheers!...from under the covers.

Christiejolu said...

I loved the potential boyfriend one...Cracked me up...

Obama should stay in Washington and get some work done!

rach said...

haha i am so the same way on the road! im also the same when im walking. I can be such an asshole when stuck in a crowd of people. is it wrong to want to kick old ladies in the back of the head?

like i said better you than me when it comes to LA traffic- ive only done it a few times and i was homocidal!

Brandi said...

I hate driving and have serious road rage thus I can never live in LA..sadly the majority of my friends live there :(

I fucking hate tourist as well. Each city should have special tourist designated routes and areas. There is one tourist/sightseeing bus , shaped as a boat,that comes into my neighborhood and everyone makes duck nosies. WTF is up with that???? Not the way I like to wake up in the morning

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

No- the landscapers are the worst!
It freaks me out because why should I trust them that they secured their tools well?! I never drive behind them because I am convinced I'll get a rake in the face.

Kitten said...

At least you don't have to worry about FARMING EQUIPMENT screwing up your commute. Back east it's a real problem. Add school buses to the mix and you've got one very cranky kitten arriving at your workplace!

Kitten said...

And by farming equipment I mean tractors. Yep, the same ones that plow the fields.

Phoenix said...

I was in two hour traffic yesterday as well, because I work two blocks away from the hotel where Obama was staying.

I was livid as well. I fucking HATE my commute and sadly that's probably why I'll end up quitting my job.

You should note, however, that Prius drivers are NOT as bad as people who drive Hummers and casually assume because of their fat ass cars that they can take up both lanes. Prius drivers might be pretentious pricks but I have never, in my life, seen more bullying and road rage than from people driving huge ass trucks or Hummers. It's like everyone who's a bully in real life is attracted to cars that they can use to bully people.

Ugh.Ugh.Ugh.

And Obama...man, I think you're pretty cool...so next time, how about an effing videocast to spread your message of hope? Because you just about killed all of mine.

Melanie's Randomness said...

Oh yeah to the Prius, buses, & the bicycle people. If I can walk to places I need to go I do. I can't stand driving.

Morgan said...

I don't know how you do it I HATE SITTING IN TRAFFIC. I have no patience for it. Good thing I live in Charleston, SC where there are more cars broken down on the side of the road vs. driving on the road. :)

bananas. said...

you sound like me on the road. i have no patience for any retard on the road. we're all trying to get somewhere but still...my commute should always come first.

lucky for me i don't deal with other drivers. instead i have to deal with other bart commuters who like to bathe themselves in funky cologne or even better not bathe at all. sickos.

besswess said...

I'm pretty sure that if we rode together someone would end up dead. My road rage is out of control and I live in a small midwestern college town. Of course, that means narrow roads filled with everything from international students, drunks, old people and all the locals inbetween. It drives me crazy!

Missy said...

I can feel your pain. I am the one honking the horn, flippin' the bird, etc. There should be a highway for all of those you shown...

Trixie said...

I used to work near a military air field and I'd get LIVID when any stupid president would come to town! They'd land in their damn jet and the traffic would come to a crawl. What do you think you're going to see people?! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO SEE?

Also Prius drivers with their damn We get to drive in the carpool lane stickers who get in the carpool lane and then bloody drive slower than the people in the non carpool lane can KISS MY ASS

SabinePsynopsis said...

Road rage, daaaahling?

libbeh ♥ said...

Bahahahahahaha, hilarious! My favorites were the scooters, gardeners, and city bus drivers. CB drivers will fuck your shit up, but I'll give them kudos for driving a slow moving (unless they're really slamming their right foot on the pedal) giant brick around all day, every day as their career. Ugh. I'd rather work in a fast food joint before I ever become a bus driver.

I hate LA traffic, majority of LA drivers (but not so much as OC drivers who act like they pretty much own the road), and pretty much, commuting anywhere in LA.

L.A. Daze said...

I'm so glad I moved from the Westside to the Southbay and missed all that horrific traffic everybody was talking about. But I have to agree with you on all those traffic annoyances...especially the Prius drivers. Cockroach of the road!

C.B. said...

Lmao! You pretty much named everybody on the road.
I hate driving and avoid it.

Dancing Branflake said...

Agreed. Prius drivers are the worst. Period.

girlunwinding said...

I feel like I should pet you and give you warm milk, "there there droll girl, everything will be alright". {grin}

An Hour for 11 miles! My work is 11 miles away and I get there in 10 minutes. 10 MINUTES!!! that is like a mile a minute. You may say you want to hate me right now BUT (big but) ~ I live in bum fuck egypt so that is the trade off I guess.
~Dawn

Char said...

the worst drive i ever had was from LAX to Riverside when it took me 3 hours to drive 45 miles. i was 2 hours late to my appointment. part of that was my fault because i thought ... well i thought an extra 30 minutes padding would work out. silly me.

thelayeredpancake said...

hahaha "potential boyfriends on board".
god, i know what you mean about head of states. i used to live in new delhi (capital, india) and everyday some "important" dude would make my life miserable.
its just irresponsible of them, they don't have the right to stop other peoples lives!

diane said...

This was a great post. Having never been to LA, I truly enjoyed it. Thanks for the laugh.

Alisa said...

You know, music makes it all better, turn up your music!! (or a really good book on tape)

Lynn said...

That's why I left!
My new town has 800 people in it.

her said...

funny! but not, you know, sorry traffic sucks!

hope505 said...

*haha!!* O yes...there are some Universal Traffic Truths here, girl. SO TRUE about those LANDSCAPING motherf&%$ers!! Not only do they drive at a snail's pace, at any moment, any of those zillions of tools could fall out onto the hood of your car and cause major damage. And do they tie the little red flags on when teir dam ladders are sticking out 5 feet into traffic? Hell no. They want you to impale yourself on the dam things! Good PSA, drollgirl!!

Heff said...

I live 1/4 mile from my place of SELF employment, LOL !!!

We DO have this ONE elderly bastard in town (I'll call him "Lloyd" (because that's his name)) that drives 15 mph, though.

If he turns up dead, I DIDN'T DO IT.

Ellie Grace said...

I couldn't agree more. My two personal favorites are the Prius drivers and the cyclists. Seriously, if I didn't know Jesus, I would hate them.

-Ellie

Elle Sees said...

i heard about this. he was in atlanta a few weeks ago (atlanta regularly has THE worst traffic i've ever been in) but surprisingly, it wasn't that bad!

blueviolet said...

There is no happy method of transportation there! None!

Felicia said...

Ohmygod I have so many comments about this post!!! I remember being afraid of the traffic in L.A. before I moved there but found it surprisingly better than it is in Mpls!!! At least traffic MOVES there, even if it's only 2 MPH. Here's it's deadlocked most of the time. The only thing I hated in L.A. were the motorcyclists who FLEW down the middle of the lanes in rush hour!! I was always afraid I was going to hit one while changing lanes. Here, they are not allowed to do that.

Also, Brett Favre fucked up traffic by my work AGAIN (he did it last year too) today. I was so pissed at that old man!!!

Kitty Stampede said...

OH FOR THE LOVE A! I Have some NASTY road rage sometimes and I CAN'T STAND sitting in traffic. You nailed it sistah! nailed it straight to hell..bahahaha...brilliance.

I can't stand old people putting around when you are in a rush to get to work in the morning, oh god my patience is tested hard. I am a nice person but get me behind the wheel and I flip birds and honk my horn ferociously when needed. Its always people that deserve it though, I think. That is why I want to move out to the country, the city makes me someone I don't like...traffic makes me nuts. You can feel the negative energy and vibes too when you're stuck in it..enough to make you wanna hurl.

anotherfishinthesea said...

Just died laughing

TK Kerouac said...

At least you don't throw bottles at slow drivers,
thats what happens in my area!

MarchMusings said...

And here I thought LA was all sun, sand and celebrities like, you know 'The Hills'!!

the spectator said...

Prius drivers are the worst?? Over here it's Volvo drivers. Having said that our second car is a 1990 Volvo wagon. :0)

the eternal list said...

when i lived in LA, we were taught to watch out for RIFLE CARS, which were basically pintos with the backseats all tore up and the trunks seemingly stuffed up with something heavy...(body?)

Gabbi said...

You had me cracking up at Prius drivers! Today especially we wanted to kill one... but the bikers? That's just mean... look at what they have to wear! I feel kind of bad for them... where do they carry the change of clothing for when they get to work??? And they're probably all sweaty and stuff...

Jennifer DeDonato said...

The prison bus had me laughing out loud!

Caroline said...

Oh you crack me up. Sorry about your traffic woes...I get it...oh yes I do! LA traffic sucks ass big time!

Zabrinah said...

Haha. Too funny! I love your commentary.

Your blog is amazing!

Best wishes from one blogger to another,

~Zabrinah

Keith said...

I visited Los Angeles a couple of times back around 10 years ago. The traffic was really bad then. I heard it was really rough with Obama there.

tulpen said...

I don't like sharing the road with cyclists either. My hilly winding road is sketchy enough without having to swerve around these guys... who could be riding on the miles of state forest road that has far fewer cars on it.

I beep my horn at them. And they give me the finger.

Jill said...

Where I live...we have a windy season...really windy. There was a pickup in front of me with 5 cheap box springs in the back of the truck, not tied down. A big blast of wind and all five came flying thru the air straight at my car! I have no idea how I was able to dodge them all.

The gardener's truck reminded me of this.

Shorty said...

Obama was in Dallas week before last and I heard similar comments from those living in the area that was quarantined to keep him safe. You'd think the guy could be a bit more low key than that.

Georgina Dollface said...

I hate being behind garbage trucks, especially in the summer when they are extra stinky. I have this fear that my lovely hair is going to absorb the smell and by the time I get to work people will think I slept in a dumpster. I quickly roll up the windows, shut the fan off and slow down so that I fall back at least 200 metres. It annoys the hell out of the people behind me I'm sure, but my hair is a temple and it musn't be spoiled by stinky air. - G

Ebony said...

You think LA is bad ... try driving in Boston. These bitches won't let you over and there's no real reason not to. Plus we're not on a grid so you can't U-Turn anywhere, the street signs are non-existant, and we've got roundabouts that are the equivalent of driving in Mexico City.

I used to listen to Eminem in the car before I realized I have anger issues and Slim Shady doesn't help. Then I tried Enya until I realized, she pissed me off with all that soothing crap. Now I take the train ... problem solved!

WendyB said...

I'm gonna bet that Calcutta has worse traffic, but I'm not going there just to find out for you.

Lorena said...

Damn.
I think my traffic is worst than yours.
A walk from work in the afternoons to my place takes 10 minutes. Driving...? Up to 45 minutes.
I hate hate hate tourist buses and the tourists with their flowery shirts and silly hats taking pictures of PALM TREES !!??? WTF !?

creative kerfuffle said...

11 miles takes 60 minutes? holy fuck. i got spoiled in my last job by the 15 minute commute.

...love Maegan said...

ahahhaah potential boyfriends ...and hell yeah to the rest. now, being prius owners, I can't be AS mad at slow-and-smug-ass prius drivers but being behind GARDENERS MAKE ME WANT TO KILL and also, cleaning ladies. Yes, they're usually the gardeners wives. did I just say that? horrible. BUT WHY DO THEY DRIVE SO FUCKING SLOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW?

Kristin said...

The hubs thinks mini van drivers are the worst. HA!

vint junky said...

I am passive agressive road rager...mouth the words when it's safe and take off

xx

JUNKER JANE said...

:D



best comment I could ever leave on your blog.....

Diana said...

This is why I always take the Metro over driving any day in LA!!