Monday, August 30, 2010

Good Housekeeping


Tom_Cruise_Good_Housekeeping_06-06
I'm sure Tom Cruise knows ALL about hiring good housekeepers.



I live in a duplex. My friend and neighbor rents the other half of the duplex, and he is A NEAT-NICK. You can't even believe how clean his place is. His place is always SPOTLESS. Absolutely immaculate. He cleans constantly. CONSTANTLY. 

I'm clean, but not THAT clean. Pretty clean. Well, you know, sorta clean. Ok, I don't clean as often as I should. Let's just say I most likely wouldn't win any good housekeeping awards. I'd probably get a NEEDS IMPROVEMENT score in the cleaning department.  Side note: For some reason when I clean, I tend to peter out.  I always seem to leave one room or one area in a HALF-ASSED and NOT-SO-CLEAN state.  I bust ass everywhere else, and then I am just too tired and I flail about and say I'll clean that one last area a little bit later.  This happens EVERY SINGLE TIME I CLEAN.  Stupid!

My neighbor admits that he has a mental disorder that causes him to clean constantly.  I guess that isn't the worst mental illness ever, but DAMMIT, it shows me up.  My twat landlord is constantly comparing the cleanliness of my neighbor's apartment to my apartment.  DAMMIT.  I hate that!  It is like your parents comparing your report card to that of your siblings!  STOP IT!! 

The other day I caught my neighbor DUSTING HIS FRONT DOOR. Who does that? It infuriated me! And today when I was on my way out I noticed how dusty my front door was. GODDAMMIT. I guess I need to dust it. *&$^%^!@*#(

P.S. Last summer I caught my neighbor cleaning the gravel.  THE GRAVEL.  Unbelievable.

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61 comments:

georgia~gigi said...

OMG, dusting the door!
I feel your pain, I have a cleaning business and my house is a wreck right now! I seriously need to hire someone, he he!
Maybe your compulsive neighbor can help you :) Put his ass to work on your door!

Melanie's Randomness said...

Dusting the door? Cleaning the gravel? Is that like those people who dust off the driveway? Yeesh. I have OCD when it comes to some cleaning but that's a lot! Tom Cruise on the cover? Really? Oh give me a break. hehe!

the eternal list said...

i hear tom cruise cleans real good...

Trixie said...

I thought we were going to be ripping on Tom Cruise!

But OH MY GOD! OCD IS AWESOME! I used to have OCD cleaning but sadly something clicked in my brain and I don't have it anymore !I miss it! Now I have counting OCD which is useless and infuriating.

How annoying though to be compared to someone who dusts their door! I feel guilty and will go dust all my doors now

bananas. said...

whoa...he does have a disorder...its called loser syndrome.

like seriously homeboy needs to get a life. who the F cleans gravel?!

i'm like you. some days i will reveal my true mexican side and clean all day and night but somewhere in between my lazy american side will reappear. doh!

Georgina Dollface said...

I clean the most agressively when I am stressed. In bewteen that, it's just enough to keep the place looking tidy and hygienic, nothing over the top. I hate, hate, hate dusting. Somebody needs to invent a flying Roomba so that I can just let it loose while I am out and it will fly around and dust all the nooks and crannies and knick-knacks (while entertaining my cat too). - G

~KS said...

Don't judge... I might consider cleaning my gravel too.

And Tom Cruise... I think he's sorta crazy nuts. My friend and I are rewatching Dawsons Creek episodes and I can't look at Katie Holmes without thinking of crazy Tom...

Ebony said...

I'd never dust my front door and I resent his implication that we should by the very act of dusting his front door!

I'm not a neat-freak, but 3 of my 7 (yes, I counted) pet peeves are home related so I think it may appear that way to other people. I can't stand dirty dishes, hate unclean bathrooms in their entirety, and clothes (generally jackets are the problem) thrown across whatever's closer will drive me to assult someone.

Len♥reNeverM♥re said...

My mom used clorox to wash coins!
She irons her money too!!
~Thank goodness it's not heredity!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Okay, the gravel? Seriously? Gravel is supposed to be - BY NATURE - dusty. And what I wanna know is ... at what point would he deem the gravel "clean?"

Brandi said...

As long as your house is nothing like those on TLC's Hoarders you are in the clear. A little dirt and mess never hurt anyone. Tell your landlord to suck it the next time he/she gives you crap.

Missy said...

Your neighbor would go into shock and need to shocked back to life if he entered my house! Dusting the front door... Yep, he would die at my house!

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Cleaning gravel? Umm yes because shoes at the front door and garage need something clean for wiping.

blueviolet said...

Are you kidding me? He cleaned gravel? My neighbor used to trim the edge of his lawn with scissors while lying on his belly to get the proper perspective.

Those people are not real.

Heff said...

Your neighbor needs a flaming bag of dog poo left at his front door. That'll keep him busy for awhile :)

L.A. Daze said...

Maybe you can get him to clean your place :)

He cleaned the gravel? WTF?

I was cleaning my room this weekend and I am the same like you...I do an amazing job with one half, and by the time I get to the other half, I just can't be bothered anymore. And it BUGS me that I can clean a surface, and the next day there will be dust on it again!

tulpen said...

My front door is disgusting. And any gravel we have is filthy.

I don't really mind cleaning though... the sound of dirt getting sucked into a vacuum is pure delight to me.

Morgan said...

Friggin' hilarious. Cleaning the gravel is ridiculous. Dusting the door... I can kinda see. I have looked at mine lately and noticed how gross it is... maybe I'll dust it one of these days!

Alisa said...

I am one of those people that everyone thinks is really clean, because before a guest comes I frantically clean. (Don't look in my closets, I shove a bunch of stuff in there)

If someone comes over, unannounced, I hide and pretend I'm not home :)

One thing I can claim is that I don't have a bunch of decorative crap laying around, so when it is clean, I look like a minimalist.

Caroline said...

LOL...I need to dust my front door! We live in Cali for god sakes...it's like a friggen dust bowl here. :)

Or maybe I need to hire a housekeeper...*sigh*

hope505 said...

O lordy...how do you even clean gravel..?! hose it down with some kinda...solvent? Is that eco-safe? *haha!

And you...how's about just getting a roll-down window-shade with a perfect facade of an immaculate front-room photoshopped onto it?
* = D

Some folks are just way too much, man! There was a lady who used to pay me to do her ironing, once upon a long time ago...this included ironing her underwear, towels and bedsheets. ( !!! ) Hey, it was her money, and I was a broke-@ss student at the time, so, w/e clean freaks! *haha!

Kitty Stampede said...

Is it just me or does that look like some bad photoshop?!? his body and head don't match, or his head is too big or something...bahahaha...either that or i'm tripping out or something. maybe he just has a huge ass melon.

i am so like that too..cleaning sucks, it is so boring. lately when i clean i put on a documentary and it makes it so much more entertaining. my house will never be spotless..i try but i just can't keep up. i can always find better things to do, always. but it does drive me nuts if it starts to get too bad. i couldn't live like a hoarder at all.

Christiejolu said...

That is being crazy clean....My Dad vacuumed his driveway once...And he will tells us not to park there because we may get oil on it...

Big Red said...

Can I hire your neighbor to clean my place? like every other day? Because I swear as the day after I get my place clean, it is a fucking sty. Ugh! Perhaps I should start blogging about cleaning and that would help... Probably not.

Phoenix said...

I had a roommate with OCD. She was one of the filthiest people around.

Just saying. It doesn't always result in sparkling clean apartments, but rather in compulsively odd rituals about what is "clean" and what is not clean and why we can't eat her Easter basket candy if we're not "clean."

Freakin' sucked. So be glad you don't have a compulsion to dust your front door!

Lorena said...

Your neighbor sounds much like my mom.
She drives me insane.
I will be eating cereal. Suddenly I want to read something with my cereal. I get up to grab a magazine.
When I come back my plate is gone. It's been washed and dried and put away. She does it all the time.

chloe said...

interesting... do you think i can borrow him?

Claire Kiefer said...

Cleaning the gravel sounds stressful. Seriously. Be glad you're not him! I'm with you re: housecleaning, but why the hell is your landlady commenting on the cleanliness of your house?? None of her business, DUH! UGH.

girlunwinding said...

Wow, you should ask if he is for hire. Your argument could be, "well you know, this is the OTHER half of your place and I don't know about you but its makin' you side look prrretty shabby. But if you can live with it like that, okay then."
Wait for it to take root, soon he will be dusting your front door, too ;-)

Kris said...

hahah the pairing of cruise on the cover of good house keeping makes this post for me!

Jill said...

Oh, he must have a bad case of OCD. My aunt vacuums four times a day. Truly weird.

Why does your landlord even know what your apartment looks like?

Chessa! said...

if I dusted my door in NYC it would be filthy...and my door faces a hallway, not the street! and yes, why does your LL (twat that s/he is) know what the inside of your apt look like?
why don't you just hire the guy to clean your apt. like once a month or something? he'd love it!

Dancing Branflake said...

Excuse me while I pick up last week's dishes from off the floor...

creative kerfuffle said...

cleaning pisses me the hell off. i clean like you do--start in one room, end up in another and before you know it two hours are gone and nothing is done. i've discovered if i make our bed, vaccuum and sweep the house LOOKS clean. however, the hubs (who does not clean now that i am not working) comments on the cobwebs or the fact that it's dusty or something. sometimes i want to poke his eyes out.

SabinePsynopsis said...

Ha! Perhaps a Tom Cruise lookalike cleaner might help (or just telling your landlord that your neighbour has a neurosis?)

Can totally relate to this... I started cleaning yesterday morning and 48 hours later you can find me panting on the floor because I managed to get TOTALLY distracted. No wonder I try to clean as seldom as possible...

Ellie Grace said...

Drollgirl, you get me in so many different ways. I freaking love you. haha :)

-Ellie

Kitten said...

The cleaning of the gravel reminds me of that scene from Glee where Emma cleans all of her grapes individually before eating them.

Pretty Little World said...

Is there any chance that your neighbor is taking a trip to Michigan any time soon and needs a place to stay?

Because if he feels compelled to clean, he's more than welcome at our house.

pearls said...

its sick and twisted.... I'm sad to say that I am much like your neighbor and .... not sure if i would clean the gravel just because i'm WAY to lazy to push it that far, but yes its sick.

Sam said...

Forgettit!!! I'm not cleaning the front door! Nor the gravel!! Life is too short in my opinion for that sort of carry on.

P.S. Yes! I agree Kick - Ass is a bit not right for kiddies! Still enjoyed it though!! :0)

Felicia said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That is hilarious!! Does he trim the grass with scissors too? I am the same way as you with cleaning. I'm actually more like a dude. I've lived in my place for over three years and the first time I deep cleaned the place was a few months ago. Things are really organized and tidy, but I'm just not a scrubber/duster.

Gabby said...

How the hell do you clean gravel?? I don't even want to know. I am like you, definitely!

Elle Sees said...

HA! I knew this lady that would take all of the light switch plates off and clean them!

God's Favorite Shoes! said...

I can't deal with you! I can't! LOL!!!

I feel like a twat because I don't dust my mailbox like my other neighbors...except them of course.

Adele said...

I once saw an old lady use a toothbrush to scrub the gunk off her plants in her garden.

JUNKER JANE said...

That landlord would shoot me :D

Char said...

insanity - i'm clean but not compulsive like that...on the other hand, my youngest brother totally is.

Susan Erickson said...

My mother would love your neighbor,...She used to come over and actually run her finger along my shelving. ..pissed me right off....Wonder what his mother is like......Tom looks so 50's..... WTF

WendyB said...

Please throw your neighbor in a box and ship him to me. This place is filthy.

Gabbi said...

I dust my door once a year, usually around Christmas when I put up my wreath. Am I freak? (say NO!) But on a side note, my friend's husband had that clean freak disorder! She'd come home from work to a clean house and fresh laundry. He'd even polish her shoes! I'd always think how lucky she was to have a husband like that... a little like a dream? But then later he started developing back problems, and he'd clean even though his back hurt because he couldn't NOT clean. And apparently living with someone whose super bitchy because his back hurt and couldn't stop cleaning wasn't such a dream. So yeah, I'd rather live in a not so clean house than have a crazy disorder or live with someone with a crazy disorder...

the spectator said...

Cleaning the gravel. His anxiety levels must be through the roof. Poor man!

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Kelly said...

That is nuts. I am half clean/messy depending on my mood - got to keep it balanced. You should just have him clean your stuff too.

fashion herald said...

I was thinking the same as Jill, what is your landlord doing in your apartment?! I would, however, give your neighbor a key and cleaning carte blanche.

TK Kerouac said...

Your neighbours are OCD cleaners
You are an ADD cleaner

They are nuttier then you, so you win:)

Adiya said...

Dusting the gravel? For real?? He should make a living out of housekeeping then. That's chronic lol. You should get him to clean your apartment, i bet he'd do it for free haha

Jennifer DeDonato said...

I have two friends like this guy. One of my friends puts her stroller in the bathtub and cleans it off after she uses it...REALLY?? After dinner she will soap down the chairs...one time I called and she was scrubbing her baseboards. I don't even give my baseboards a second thought!

十十f十 said...

it's taking me forever to read every comment, haha. loved reading this story. i so understand what you meant with the comparing there. i'm very ticked off when 'clean' or tidy people make remarks about my office desk. i'm just not like you, myob. a messy desk doesn't look messy to me, thanks.

Kristine said...

Maybe if your neighbour spent less time cleaning he would have been able to focus on properly keying his boss's car and wouldn't have been caught.I wish I was a cleaner person but I have messy in my bones and any OCD I have manifests itself in weird ways that don't involve ritualistic cleaning, alas...

Down and Out Chic said...

ocd friends are the best! i clean the same way you do, very half-assed!

FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com said...

Dude, tell him to come over and clean your place :)

It'd give him a serious high to get rid of all the dust and dirt, no?

I'm neat.. but in spurts. I can be super neat for a while, and then really messy.

BF is a bit OCD like that. Everything organized, neat, packaged, in 10s...