Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Massage This

Massage

Are you down with massages?  

A friend of mine gets massages all the time, and she has found a masseuse that makes housecalls (!!!!!).  My friend slowly but surely convinced me that I should try it.  So....I  had my first massage this weekend.  EEE.  I have issues.  A lot of issues.  I was nervous.  My friend gave me a rundown of exactly what to expect,  so I was kind of prepared.  A beer or two later, and I thought I was relaxed and ready.  Then the masseuse showed up and SHE WAS PRETTY.  With a rockin' body.  I had pictured her as stout Russian from the cold-war era, and when a young, gorgeous Latina minx with a hot bod showed up, my reluctance returned in full bloom. Bleh.  I did NOT want to get naked for HER!  HAHAHAHAH!  Seeing as I promised my friend that I would try it,  I figured I just had to do it.  I told  the masseuse that I had never had a massage before, that I was nervous, and to please forgive me if I was stiff and tense for the massage.  She was sweet and understanding (and not super chatty -- thank GAWD), and she went to work on me.  A couple of areas hurt me badly, and I ending up yelping in pain.  I think that was when we both realized that I was a SENSITIVE SALLY and that I could only handle light to medium pressure.  She did a great job, and she steered completely clear of my jankified ankle (sprained 1.5 years ago, and that fucker refuses to heal properly.  I am afraid to go to the doctor, as I think they will want to amputate it.  LOL? Yikes.)

The most awkward moment of the whole massage was when I had to roll over from my stomach to my back. BLEH.  All I could picture was a MANATEE rolling over when I tried to make that move gracefully.  AWFUL.  I am slapping my head just imagining how awkward I looked.  Argh!

I'd be lying if I didn't say I was tense for some of the massage, but I made it through the whole thing.  Did I mention I have issues?!  Big time.  But at least I can scratch massage off of my to-do list.  Done.  Might do it again.  Might not.

Anywhoo, I was relieved that she didn't say any of the following things to me at any point during my session:

MY, WHAT BIG THIGHS YOU HAVE.
MY, WHAT A BIG ASS YOU HAVE.
RELAX!  RELAX!  I SAID, RELAX!!!! (This is what I get from the dentist, as I tend to sit ramrod stiff in the dentist chair -- almost like I am sitting in an electric chair awaiting execution.)

I was a little disappointed that she didn't say any of the following things to me at any point during my session:

DO YOU EXFOLIATE REGULARLY?  YOUR SKIN IS SO SOFT AND SCRUMPTIOUS.
YOU LOOK BETTER NAKED THAN YOU DO WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON.
YOU ARE SO FUN AND SWEET AND LIKABLE THAT YOU GET 50% OFF.  

Sigh.

Do you like massages?  Do they freak you out?  Do they make you uncomfortable?  Or am I the only freak here?!  Yes, I realize that the whole point of a massage is to relax and feel good, but I guess that  it just isn't easy for me to get naked in front of a complete stranger, lay there prone and exposed with eyes closed, and hope they don't do anything horrendous!   [Hmm.  A scary killer masseuse or masseur would be an excellent premise for a horror movie.  EEE!].


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53 comments:

Heff said...

Oh, YESTH !!!

Brandi said...

all this time i thought i was the only one who was not down with massages. granted i have never had one so i can't speak first hand what they are like but the idea of them scares the shit out of me!!!!

Kris said...

Haha! Great post. I like them but only when the person is super strong. I get creeped out when it's too light I feel like it's someone petting me. GROSS!

Elle said...

To be honest, I've never had one! (Well, not in a professional sense.) Would love to but I'm just not sure about it.

Dancing Branflake said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is me laughing and not stopping! You are hilarious!

I love massages. I could get one every week if I had the money. I have no qualms being touched by licensed professionals who's sole purpose is to make me feel good.

Good to know. No massage gift certificate for you.

Dancing Branflake said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is me laughing and not stopping! You are hilarious!

I love massages. I could get one every week if I had the money. I have no qualms being touched by licensed professionals who's sole purpose is to make me feel good.

Good to know. No massage gift certificate for you.

Big Red said...

I love massages everyday! But I didn't always, although I wasn't as skeeved out as you. I figure if some woman can wax my who-ha every month, I can get over having one massaging me (as long as they stay away from my bad knee).
Happy gorgeous Tuesday! It is beautiful right now!

besswess said...

I'm the woman that strips down, gets under the covers and tells the person to go to town. Seriously, the more it hurts the better. I really have major issues with liking it too much!

Brooke said...

When I'm at a spa, I almost always go for a facial instead of a massage. I like massages, but I almost always walk away with a headache. I'm weird too. I also always get flustered when they tell me it's my choice if I want to leave my bra and underwear on or not. It stresses me out.

Isabel said...

im really ticklish so i dont do well with massages. i llike foot massages tho!

SweetBonita said...

first of all, let me take the time to laugh out loud...

secondly, this is exactly me when i got my first massage at 4 seasons. questions running through my head included: do i need to take my clothes off for this? will she be offended by my overall body fat compesition? what if my boobs sag over to my elbows when i roll over? will she have to reposition them? am i allowed to move? do i have to be naked for this?

at the end of the day, it wasn't so bad, though i am still ridiculously skeeved out about the thoughts that must run through the masseuse's mind...

Ebony said...

I don't get naked in front of anyone that wants cash afterward! Well except my gyno, but only from the waist down and she every time I go she tells me I'm tight, which I choose to take as a compliment.

If you can't get into it don't do it. I get hand massages when I get manicures, foot massages with my pedicure, and I used to get really great neck massages from an ex. So all I've really got to do is find a new boyfriend.

Christiejolu said...

I can say I never had a massage...I mean not from a stranger...I can say I also sit in the dentist chair like I am about to be murdered like you!!!!

K.Line said...

Love massages - esp. ones that come to you! BTW: Everyone looks like a manatee rolling over. :-)

LilStroker said...

I am a male with an EXTREMELY vivid imagination. I have problems during massages that you can only laugh at.

Phoenix said...

I have my own issues with strangers touching my naked body so I have sadly never had a massage. I've had countless offers of receiving massages as gifts (I have quite a few friends who work at massage salons) but I just... can't get on board with it.

I just got comfortable with getting pedicures THIS year. Sigh.

Maybe when I'm fifty and my back is all effed up I'll finally give in and get a massage?

ticklishfromadistance said...

LOVE them. Love.

girlunwinding said...

I have a confession to make. I AM A MASSAGE THERAPIST. I am. It is what I do. I love it! and I love working on Newbies who have never had a massage. I think it is awesome that you treated yourself and I want to tell you that everything you described is pretty much how EVERYONE feels the first time.. You owe it to yourself to have a second one since you know now what to expect. They get better and better especially if you find a therapist that you really like. That is the key really: finding someone that not only is good and knows what the hell they are doing BUT someone you have a good feeling about. I have regulars that I see weekly or once a month and I really really care about each of them. Did I say I love my job?
I am deeply hurt however that you did not allow me to be your first therapist, **sniff, sniff**
~Dawn

Kara said...

I love love love massages. I see a chiropractor 3 times a week right now and I wouldn't sign up for such nonsense if it didn't include a massage EVERY SINGLE TIME. One masseuse even complimented my soft skin the other day. NOT KIDDING.

Massage is the best thing ever.

SabinePsynopsis said...

Ha ha, as a physio I've experienced massages from both sides and my resumé is: It's much nicer to massage someone who's got a bit of flesh on them; people are really different - some like heavy-duty kneeding, some are more 'sensitive'; chatty is BAD (either clients or therapists), but the worst for me are moist, cold hands and stroking, anxious movements. Give me a big, burly masseur anytime and Why not try a foot massage?

Melanie's Randomness said...

I've actually never had one. I'm uber ticklish so I imagine it not being a good thing to have someone I don't know rub me down. I think it'd be too akward to have someone come to my home too. I dunno. Also being naked with a towel hmmm...I'd feel too vulnerable. Geez I seem to have issues too with these. I'll pass!

bananas. said...

i freaking LOVE me some massages!!! LOVE THEM!!! AHHH!!!

BUT...i was like when i first started getting them. i was so tense, i had about 101 knots in my back, all of which were removed during my first massage. uhh...do you know how painful that is? it's called a deep tissue? I DIDN'T ASK FOR A DEEP TISSUE!!!

so yea...needless to say i was sore for a week and learned that i too am a sensitive sally.

bahaha!

but i now love them. A LOT.

love jenny xoxo said...

haahaha! I love a good massage but i think i would be a little nervous too if they came to my house... even though it seems more natural to be naked in your own house, it seems weirder for someone to be over.

XOXO

Trixie said...

I've never gotten one but if I do I want it to be done by a smokin hot girl! LOL. I doubt very much you look like a manatee but that made me laugh so hard

My brother in law was dating a girl masseuse who made house calls until he found out so did other stuff too depending on the client :P

Kitty Stampede said...

I've had two before by a girl I worked with, and she was awesome about it so I felt more comfortable than I would with a stranger. I actually had them because of some lower back issues. She started massaging and I got these crazy migraines and puked both times. GLAMOROUS. But she said that is normal. She was one of those clinical masseuses that work on people going through physio, medical issues etc. Anyways best thing I ever did and I wish I could get them regular. But not head to toe, just back and neck is fine. I only had to get naked from the waist up, I would NOT feel comfortable with a full body. I am quite shy.

You story was hilarious!!! I bet you felt like a MILL!

btw...Go Mondo, and I totally agree with you about Gretchen....arrrgghhh what an egotistical bitch..I was soo happy when Tim called her out, I love him.
Enjoy the finale...I gotta download and I hope I don't see a flipping spoiler or I'll be PISSED!

ciao..

Missy said...

This is so damn funny!
I do have issues! I cannot control my thoughts!
You are so funny!

pearls said...

seriously you crack me up... i think i just spit on my computer and might need a massage from laughing so hard.

Lorena said...

You are so SO SO FUNNY !
I have had a few massages and to be honest the worst one was by this fat guy.
It was in a Outdoors tree hugger spa day my H and I had a few years back.
I felt like he was a butcher and I was meat. Manatee meat. I was naked and this guy was rubbing me.
It was not a good feel.
I always get the "I AM NAKED feel" and wonder if
I am the person with most cellulite they have treated.
But, I have to admit I love it.

only a movie said...

Have had chair massage... no naked. Polarity and acupuncture - clothes on. I go to a massage school for polarity and may ask for massage one day if I'm brave enough, but I do have issues, like you. :-)
Hysterical post!

thelayeredpancake said...

i have same ankle problem! it goes creak creak creak now. its quite amusing.
i find massages uncomfortable, i have had like 2 or 3, and i am very very ticklish. same with pedicures.
i dont get the point to pay people to tickle me.

thelayeredpancake said...

oooo pretty yellow dress on your sidebar.

Felicia said...

I was having the crappiest day today and this made me laugh so hard!! Only because I would be thinking the EXACT SAME thing about feeling like a manatee myself! I actually feel like that even when I'm not nude! I also have a thing about touching, especially massage. ISH. I wish I didn't because it sounds glorious!

diane said...

50/50
I had a great massage by a friend of my MIL, with soothing music & aromatherapy. It was awesomely relaxing.
I had a horrible massage by an Asian masseuse, which was a present from my son. My body ached for a week because he was "jerking" me around, but I pretended to my son that it was wonderful. ugh.
Don't be uptight about your body babe. We're all human, at least I hope we all are.

rach said...

Ive only had one body massage- it was a present from an ex-boyfriend and let me tell you- the best present ever. I thought was was going to be super self concious, but i actually wasnt really at all. I did get a little weird about my thighs (or my thunder thighs more like) but overall it was a great experiance. and my massuse was an old man. I figure hes seen it all by this point.

Erin@likegrandmas said...

Honestly, if you get a therapist thinking about you being a manatee, then they aren't worth a dime. I agree that you have to trust the therapist, so to test the waters, ask if they do chair massage(which is usually $1 per minute and fully clothed) and get to know them and trust them first. Also, see what types of continuing education they have had, knowledge and experience go a long ways, plus this gives you an idea of what they specialize in. Lastly, I am a licensed massage therapist and I am glad to see you talk about this...even if it isn't all that favorable from most peeps.

Christina In Wonderland said...

Massages actually hurt me all the time, so I tell people to avoid giving me back massages. Or I keel them.

Char said...

i had one that was so wonderful and perfect that i fell asleep (it was the hot stones one)...i wish i could have one again.

Susan Erickson said...

I'd rather get naked in front of a complete stranger than somebody I actually know! I just went to the doctor about what I thought was a sprained ankle and it turns out I have achilles tendonitis....that may be your ankle problem too! Of course I have yet to go to a physiotherapist ...but at least I know what it is that gives me so much pain and makes me limp sometimes.....

Fashion, Art and other fancies said...

Sorry about your ankle pain. I adore massages. I have one weekly.
They are so relaxing. Here in Europe one never undresses in the presence of the massage therapist.

One does so in the changing room. Then enter massage room in dressing gown. The best massage I've experienced thus far was in Jamaica. I'm a trained ballet dancer so I need them, lol.

The Savage said...

I prefer to give massages as opposed to getting them...

Sunny & Star said...

I've never had a massage. They do kind of freak me out. I try to tell myself that they would be very relaxing but haven't been able to get over the issues I have with them as of yet.

TK Kerouac said...

Love this post.
If I won the lottery, I'd have a massage daily. One of the top ten pleasures in life.

I think you should have more, go naked, you are under a sheet anyway.

A RMT is trained to know where all your muscles are connected and trigger points.

Next massage, have soft spa music on,make sure your masuse is not chatty, close your eyes, and just try and go into a relaxing Zen. Slow down your thoughts and think of nothing but the spots she is working on and how relaxing it feels.

The best massage I ever had was right on the ocean front in Maui inside a hut with the nothing but the sounds of the crashing waves. And it was a nice looking man giving the massage.
I was able to tune him out too, and just go with the relaxing sensation to the point of almost sleeping.

I'd give it another try, and forget about your body image. The power and benefits of touch is just as benefical to the person thats giving the massage

hope505 said...

Yes! TK up there is totally spot-on..! *haha! Good for you getting out of your comfort zone to..uh...get into that COMFORT zone, Drolls!! The more you get used to it, I guarantee, the more you will love the world-O-massage! Just don't forget, THEY are working for YOU! I go to a woman's house where she has independent sessions, but I met her at a very reputable spa (ten thousand waves! google!)...she does hot stone massage, shiatsu, whatever you like...and she is very intuitive and smart. Also, she is from Switzerland, so she has a Swiss acccent, which just makes it more fun. Yaaah. Massage People could not care less about nudity, pretty much..it's like a chef seeing another rack of lamb or something...they're just going to go to work! *heehee!

...love Maegan said...

MANATEE !!!!! WHAAAATTTTT AHDFKGJDA;LKJASDLFJJ

I am dying laughing at this story. I can't believe you didn't tell me at work yesterday awelkajsdflkjasdlfkj ahahahahahahha so good. And yes, that part where you have to turn over and they pretend to look the other way is TOTALLY uncomfortable and awkward. lol. ...but I have issues too asd;kfhd;lkfjadslkfjldfj

still lolling
asdfasdkfljasdklfj

...love Maegan said...

...and you do have really soft skin.


:) I remember. ahahahahahahahs

Kristine said...

Congratulations on popping your massage cherry! I am a massage therapist and I find many of us tend to be neurotic and are too busy thinking about all of our own weird body issues to pay any attention to yours (definitely a case of healer heal thyself). You cannot freak out a massage therapist, I promise.I bet yours did think you had the softest skin ever and was just trying to be professional.

Kathryn said...

I have never had a massage by a masseuse before either.

I did like the massage chair they had outside Spencer Gifts at the mall though where you got an electronic shiatsu back massage where you would get 3 minutes for $1.

It a great excuse not to have to look at their clever t-shirts like the ones with the stoned looking Kermit, or the one with picture of the squirrel on the front that said "Got Nuts?".

God's Favorite Shoes! said...

Bwaahhaaa! You crack me up every time! We would be great drinking buddies because I have strange thoughts like that!

And I totally would rather a fat Russian for my masseuse too!

Caitlin said...

I could NOT stop laughing! I love this story.

I've only had one massage and it was pretty fucking awesome. I didn't even want to take my bra off haha. I had a sheet though and I clung to that thing for dear life. Lol!

Jill said...

I can only have female masseuses...I acted totally inappropriately with the last male masseuse!

十十f十 said...

i'd love to be a massage whore but my body doesn't seem to want to be loved... can't explain why, cos i don't have your issues. it's the same when i'm in the dentist's chair and when i have facials. i once had a shoulder & back massage done by a visually handicapped man. i think it worked better. the guy even pointed out the places to be kneaded if i go for outside massages.

Jill said...

Maybe you should take a shot of tequila first!

Diana said...

I'm the same way!! I had a massage gift card to TOTAL WOMAN (just the title makes me nervous!) and i have yet to go. I got it at my bridal shower. Yep, that long it's been sitting in my wallet.