I work in an art gallery, and from time to time artists contact us looking for representation. Like our website clearly states, WE DO NOT ACCEPT ARTIST SUBMISSIONS. I feel sorry for those that contact us anyway, but they also annoy the hell out of me, so their emails are deleted, and their telephone inquiries are met with kind, yet swift rejection. It sounds mean, but if you are sympathetic to these folks, they want to talk and talk and TALK about how hard it is to get representation, and then they start in with the begging and the pleading, and/or asking for advice. The art world isn't fair, but you could say the same about the music business, the fashion industry, Hollywood, etc. It sucks, but whaddya gonna do. Most artists just sigh at the rejection process, and then don't bother emailing or calling again. But this yutz took it to a whole other level.
Email #1 (or #1B? I don't have the very first one) (promptly DELETED by yours truly):
Dear Art Agent, Gallery Director, Dealer,
Please accept my apologies if you have already received this email. I’ve only received a couple of replies which has left me wondering if there was something wrong with my email system.
Please find, below, examples of my recent work. I am interested in knowing whether you would like to be my agent, exhibit my art or be my dealer. For a description of my work and life please scroll to the end of this email where you will find a short synopsis.
Email #2 (promptly DELETED by yours truly)
I’ve written to you twice and you have shown that you don’t have the simple courtesy nor decency to send me a reply. In any part of the business world one can expect a proper reply except in the art world where directors, dealers and agents see fit to solicit approaches from artists whom they subsequently treat with extreme contempt. This is a world of lazy, unprincipled slugs. I sincerely hope that your business takes a downturn for the worse.
Email #3 (this one garnered a laugh before being DELETED)
Further to my last email, below, I would like to add the following:
Galleries, dealerships and artists’ agents are businesses which rely on the work of artists for them to make a living. Their soliciting of artists’ work is, therefore, implicit. As such they have a moral duty to respond to artists when they submit their work.
Secondly, these business enterprises produce nothing of any value themselves but simply buy and sell the work of artists which they have produced with their sweat and labour. They are middlemen ...shopkeepers.
Thirdly, many of them are of foreign extraction and treat the artists of this country and the US with contempt. Has the West not been good to them? Have they not made good money within it? Yet they have repaid the people of these countries by acting in a racist and high handed fashion towards their indigenous artists as well as artists of other racial minorities.
The above described people and artistic institutions can properly be described as amounting to sets of profit mongering tapeworms who don’t even have the good business sense to treat their clients with respect.
I am glad that the West is currently suffering a deficit. Artists organisations are not being funded and galleries, dealers and agents are going to be hit in the pocket. Their arrogance and shit are going to be diminished by just so much. The fat, exploitative slugs of owners will wince every time they come across a person of intelligence like me. Their administrative staff and receptionist dorks will read these emails. They will come to understand where they fit, morally and intellectually, in the overall scheme of things. People will lose their jobs and livelihoods. The smell of lots of little people becoming scared will rise in the air and become nauseus to the rest of us.
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Good luck with your art career, PAUL FARBER. I am sure every gallery and dealer that you wrote to is now DYING to represent you.
P.S. PF, I'll spare you a critique of your art work, but there are reasons nobody responds to your dumb emails.