Wednesday, January 18, 2012

How to Lose 7 Lbs in 7 Days


This "diet" was unintentional and I don't really recommend it, but here is how one can possibly lose seven pounds in seven days like I did. UGH.

Go to a movie theater on an empty stomach. Order a medium popcorn and a medium coke. Snarf down as much of the popcorn as you can while you suck on that coke and giddily watch a movie. You'll feel great for a while as caffeine, sugar, fat and salt invade your system. And then you'll develop a nasty headache and a gurgling stomach. You'll drive home thinking you really don't feel so hot.  Later on you'll feel worse.  You'll probably go to bed at 8:30 pm because you feel so awful.

The next morning you will be super queasy. You will have gnarly diarrhea. You'll be in the bathroom with diarrhea about every thirty minutes for the next couple of days. Your asshole will be ON FIRE and you will whimper a lot. You will chug Imodium A-D hoping to stop the big D from killing you. You won't be able to eat much -- only a few bites at a time. You'll drink Perrier (HURL) and ginger ale and nibble on saltine crackers, hoping to calm your distended and angry belly.

You'll feel shitty (pardon the expression) for DAYS. On day 4 you will bawl your head off because you have not gotten better, and you will worry that you might have sudden onset IBS or colon cancer. You will face the notion that you have to go to the doctor if you aren't better in the morning, even though you would rather do ANYTHING  than go to the doctor.

On day 5 you will call the doctor's office to make your case for a same-day doctor appointment. You will be told you should have come in sooner. You will be told that your doctor is booked, and you have to see named DOCTOR VIGIL. You will balk at the doctor's name. You will feel it is a sign....a bad sign. You will put extra food and water out for your cats, pack your bag, and think you will most likely be admitted to the hospital. You will clear your computer history...just in case things go from bad to worse.

You will be petrified as you wait to see the doctor. You will be marginally less angry at having to step on the scale and be weighed by the nurse when you see that you have lost seven pounds. But you will still be angry and terrified, and make a note that you need to lose a lot more weight.

You will go into a private room to wait for the doctor. Your face will turn red and your heart will palpitate when you see a tube of E-Z Lubricating Jelly next to the examining table where you will wait in dread for the next fifteen minutes.

You will have to answer the doctor's terrible and humiliating questions about your poop. You will let the doctor feel around on your body, and listen to your stomach, your heart and your lungs. You will gasp and cringe and shake your head vehemently when the doctor tells you that you would have to submit a LIQUID DIARRHEA SAMPLE if you want to find out exactly what kind of bug you have worming around in your intestinal tract. 

You will be surprised when the doctor tells you that you are going to live, and that you don't have IBS or colon cancer, but just awful awful awful food poisoning. You will frown when the doctor tells you that you don't really need to eat for the next few days (hint hint, porky), but says if you DO eat you should follow the BRAT Diet (bananas, rice, applesauce and toast) until your system has a chance to fully recover.

You will be extra surprised when the doctor tells you to get dressed. You will say to him, "SO THERE WON'T BE ANY ANAL PROBING?!" And you will laugh a little too loudly when the doctor says, "NO, not unless you are requesting it." You will politely decline.  You will resist the urge to hug the doctor since he did not want to stick anything up your butt.

Slowly but (butt) surely you will get better. 

End of story. Eat movie popcorn at your own risk. I WILL NEVER EAT IT AGAIN. EVER.



Aline said...

only you could have me in hysterics while reading such an awful tale. so glad you are feeling better miss j!

Trissta said...

OMG. That's horrible!!! :( I don't think I shall be eating movie popcorn or drinking any coke from this day forward! I mean, I have a small case of IBS, but seriously, that sound terrible. Absolutely terrible. I feel for you my dear! I wish you a speedy recovery and that one day you shall once again be able to enjoy popcorn with a movie. Perhaps at home next time.

Much Love,

Jessica ( frellathon ) said...

So what movie did you see? Was it good? :p

freeteyme said...

I'm glad you feel so much better now. I'm sure it was not fun but you still saw the up-side of it - you lost 7 lbs. =))


ps: I have a shabby apple dress giveaway going on now

Claire Kiefer said...

OH MY GOODNESS. I am so sorry this happened to you. I never would have thought that movie popcorn would be such a dangerous, disease-ridden food! I have had food poisoning twice in my life: once from a bagel & cream cheese (cream cheese) at a coffee shop in New Orleans, and once from cream of tomato basil soup at a cafe/coffee shop in San Francisco. Both incidents were horrific and involved not only what you described, but also extreme barfing. Thankfully, though, they only lasted for 24 hours. I can't believe yours took so long to run its course! Here's hoping you're totally better now and eating yummier things than just BRAT. :)

Heidi said...

lmao about clearing your computer history! I'm glad you're better now. GI distress is NO fun.

Stephanie said...

Why do employees not wash their hands? What an awful way to lose 7 lbs in 7 days! I hope you are feeling better (and a little sleeker) now! What movie did you see?

Morgan said...

Oh my god! HORRIBLE! I always knew movie popcorn was nasty but this cliches my suspcion. EWWWW

Lorena said...

No wonder you were MIA ... you need to get wireless internet so you can blog while having diahrrea.
I know i should not laugh because a flimsy stomach and a sore butthole are no joke - but I really can´t stop.
Just glad you are feeling better - look at the bright side.. 7 pounds !
Did the bf drive you ? where was he ? quarantine ?

Mandy_Fish said...

Same thing happened to me, but the culprit was a runny egg sandwich.

I don't eat runny egg sandwiches anymore.

melifaif said...

Bwahahaha....clear your computer history! Classic. What an epic story to share with your....anyone!!! Hope you calm down soon... :)

Dancing Branflake said...

Okay, I have a few comments here.

1. Really? Clear your internet history? Really? What the heck are you looking at?

2. Dr. Vigil. Haha!

3. How the heck does one get food poisoning from popcorn?

4. I have gotten violently ill from these things on different occasions: burritos, Costco pizza, and corn dogs. I still eat all three on a regular basis. Nothing stops this lady from a good binge.

5. yay! You lost 7 pounds! (not that you needed to)

6. Sorry you were sick. This last week I was like, "Where the heck is Droll Girl on Twitter?"

cerebral e said...

Dr Vigil? Change your name, dude. Clearly all his patients attend out of sheer desperation.

The rudest thing is that cinema popcorn and soda cost a small fortune.

Phoenix said...

I have to admit I laughed when I realized the movie you "giddily" watched was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which I'm not really sure anyone should watch with glee. But still.

Man, I had the stomach flu over Christmas and it was the same thing, only I puked along with the diarrhea and that sucked royally. I didn't end up having to go to the hospital, but I couldn't keep anything down for a full 8 hours and all I wanted was ONE DRINK of water. And then I'd throw it up. I lost a few pounds too (and I didn't need to either.) Now my effing jeans don't fit and I feel like that skinny, androgynous girl from The L Word.


I'm glad you're feeling better. Food poisoning blows.

Fragrant Liar said...

I know it didn't seem like it, but everything came out okay in the end.


Actually enjoyed all the detail in that. Not sure why . . . My family will not be surprised, but okay. Glad you will live to entertain us another day.

Overlooking Mississippi said...

I'm so sorry girlfriend, but you did have me laughing so hard at have a way with words..:)

Glad you are okay now!


Kathryn said...

Perhaps you can start a new diet fad "Salmonella Slimdown". Just kidding; food poisoning is nasty stuff (but your post was entertaining...I wouldn't cringe at seeing someone named "Dr. Vigil" too.

Sorry to hear that happened to you and hope you are feeling better:)

Felicia said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm not laughing at your pain but how you told the story! Hilarious! I'm glad you're feeling better but so sorry movie theater popcorn is ruined for you!! Sometimes I go to a movie JUST for the popcorn and fake butter. I'm also glad you didn't have to have any anal probing, HAHAHA!!

P.S. That BRAT diet works wonders for a hangover too.

Lara said...

Ahahah! I'm dying over here! Girl, I feel your pain. I got norovirus once - basically someone didn't wash their hands at a restaurant and I ate their poop. I had violent diarrhea every 15 minutes for almost 24 hours. I was sobbing near the end. Then, I had an hour of peace and thought I just had to fart. Nope. I pooped my bed. Yep. It was a great day.

Hope you're feeling better now!
Woo hoo! 7 pounds!

Kristine said...

You poor thing!!!Loved the story but so sorry you had to suffer. Sounds shitty! By the way, today is National Popcorn Day, I'm not kidding. I guess you won't be participating or writing a popcorn haiku....

ajg-jane said...

I'm so sorry you had the dreaded food poisoning. But Oh My! what a funny story... Dr Vigil...seriously...baaaaahhhaaaaa Sorry:(

Sarah Jean said...

Oh you poor dear! I'm glad you're feeling better. I've been there myself a few times, so I know what you're going through. Don't forget to drink gatorade!

bananas. said...

bahahahahahahaha!!! so that's what the anal gel was all about. i get it now.

i may never eat popcorn again after reading all that.

Caroline said...

OH MY GOD. This is more than OMG worthy. Holy crap (no pun intended) that is awful. I seriously hate movie popcorn...and now I will never eat it again. Hope you are feeling better!

Kitty Stampede said...

THE BIG D!!!!!!!!!!

OH MAN, wow. Sorry you had to go through this shit. bahaha....sounds really like quite the crazy week. At least you did lose those few lb's but what a way to lose it. Yowch.

I haven't had the big d in ages. but have some terrible stories..bahaha. oh gosh. the worst is when it's explosive and when you're in public...that's all i gotta say..lolol.

loooved your story. you are the most entertaining person alive.

WendyB said...

OMG. How horrible. That kind of thing makes you want to die...

One time I drank SO much and was so violently ill that when I finally stopped vomiting I was 7 lbs lighter overnight. Of course, a couple of hours later I was 10 lbs heavier.

chloe said...

oh nooooo! im movie-paranoid now, eek!
somebody said you watched the girl with the dragon tattoo? i was never very interested in the book, i didn't even know what the story really was. but i saw the trailer and the film looks fantastic!
glad you're feeling better love, can't wait for your next adventure x

Alisa said...