This "diet" was unintentional and I don't really recommend it, but here is how one can possibly lose seven pounds in seven days like I did. UGH.
Go to a movie theater on an empty stomach. Order a medium popcorn and a medium coke. Snarf down as much of the popcorn as you can while you suck on that coke and giddily watch a movie. You'll feel great for a while as caffeine, sugar, fat and salt invade your system. And then you'll develop a nasty headache and a gurgling stomach. You'll drive home thinking you really don't feel so hot. Later on you'll feel worse. You'll probably go to bed at 8:30 pm because you feel so awful.
The next morning you will be super queasy. You will have gnarly diarrhea. You'll be in the bathroom with diarrhea about every thirty minutes for the next couple of days. Your asshole will be ON FIRE and you will whimper a lot. You will chug Imodium A-D hoping to stop the big D from killing you. You won't be able to eat much -- only a few bites at a time. You'll drink Perrier (HURL) and ginger ale and nibble on saltine crackers, hoping to calm your distended and angry belly.
You'll feel shitty (pardon the expression) for DAYS. On day 4 you will bawl your head off because you have not gotten better, and you will worry that you might have sudden onset IBS or colon cancer. You will face the notion that you have to go to the doctor if you aren't better in the morning, even though you would rather do ANYTHING than go to the doctor.
On day 5 you will call the doctor's office to make your case for a same-day doctor appointment. You will be told you should have come in sooner. You will be told that your doctor is booked, and you have to see another....one named DOCTOR VIGIL. You will balk at the doctor's name. You will feel it is a sign....a bad sign. You will put extra food and water out for your cats, pack your bag, and think you will most likely be admitted to the hospital. You will clear your computer history...just in case things go from bad to worse.
You will be petrified as you wait to see the doctor. You will be marginally less angry at having to step on the scale and be weighed by the nurse when you see that you have lost seven pounds. But you will still be angry and terrified, and make a note that you need to lose a lot more weight.
You will go into a private room to wait for the doctor. Your face will turn red and your heart will palpitate when you see a tube of E-Z Lubricating Jelly next to the examining table where you will wait in dread for the next fifteen minutes.
You will have to answer the doctor's terrible and humiliating questions about your poop. You will let the doctor feel around on your body, and listen to your stomach, your heart and your lungs. You will gasp and cringe and shake your head vehemently when the doctor tells you that you would have to submit a LIQUID DIARRHEA SAMPLE if you want to find out exactly what kind of bug you have worming around in your intestinal tract.
You will be surprised when the doctor tells you that you are going to live, and that you don't have IBS or colon cancer, but just awful awful awful food poisoning. You will frown when the doctor tells you that you don't really need to eat for the next few days (hint hint, porky), but says if you DO eat you should follow the BRAT Diet (bananas, rice, applesauce and toast) until your system has a chance to fully recover.
You will be extra surprised when the doctor tells you to get dressed. You will say to him, "SO THERE WON'T BE ANY ANAL PROBING?!" And you will laugh a little too loudly when the doctor says, "NO, not unless you are requesting it." You will politely decline. You will resist the urge to hug the doctor since he did not want to stick anything up your butt.
Slowly but (butt) surely you will get better.
End of story. Eat movie popcorn at your own risk. I WILL NEVER EAT IT AGAIN. EVER.