Thursday, February 16, 2012

Tailgaters

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a_tailgater_paid_for_this_bumper_sticker bumper_sticker-1

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see_care_bumper_bumper_sticker die_tailgater_scum_bumper_sticker

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no_tailgating_bumper_sticker bumper_bumper_sticker

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velocityproximity_bumper_bumper_sticker my_brakes_are_good_is_your_insurance_bumper

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fast_reflexes_bumper_sticker six_reasons_bumper_bumper_sticker

end_tailgating_bumper_bumper_sticker harder_i_brake_bumper_bumper_sticker

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get closer…i'm litigious

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back_off_bumper_sticker tailgate_repeller

drive_too_close_bumper_bumper_sticker jesus_get_off_my_ass_bumper_sticker

so_close_in_front tailgaiting_bumper_sticker

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decal

Driving in Los Angeles is a total fucking nightmare.  Every weekday I spend 2+ hours in traffic going to and from work -- it takes over an hour to drive ELEVEN MILES.  This is frustrating and annoying, but the WORST part of driving in this blasted city is dealing with TAILGATERS.  Almost everybody follows WAY TOO CLOSE, and slams on their brakes coming to a screeching halt within a 1/4" of the car in front of them.  It is MADDDDDDDDENING.  I CANNOT STAND IT.  Give a girl/a car some space!  Could you give me twelve inches (that's what she said)?  Could you give me a TINY BIT OF BREATHING ROOM?  BLARGH!!!!

I have wracked my brain over and over again trying to find a way to combat this problem, but I have yet to come up with an impressive solution.  I think bumper stickers are ugly and that they just taunt idiotic drivers and most likely make things worse.  I really want to install a harpoon coming out of my rear window, or a bazooka coming out of my rear bumper to convince people to stop riding my ass, but somehow I think that would get me into trouble fairly quickly.  So for the meantime I shake my fist and curse and brake hard trying to get people to BACK OFF.  If you have any better suggestions please let me know!

On a cheerier note, I am THRILLED BEYOND BELIEF when somebody gives me a space cushion of 5-10 feet in traffic.  It makes me so happy. It lets me breathe a little easier. If you are this type of person, I am THRILLED you exist and I MIGHT even want to be your friend.  If you are a tailgater, a close-talker, an interrupter, a nosy-nellie, a space hog, and/or road hog (I figure these types are all one and the same), I damn you and your kind to hell (if it even exists)


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26 comments:

Chantalle said...

I prefer to give people their space, but then you always have some idiot who will cut in front of you the minute you leave a few inches inbetween! I HATE that. The other day, it took me 1 hour to go 4 damn miles. And on Valentine's day, it took me an hour to go the 1.5 miles from my apartment to the freeway. Oh yes, i'm strategically located between two clusterfuck roads: Wilshire and Santa Monica Blvd. ARGH! Now I know...either get out of my apartment before 3 pm, or don't leave until well after 8 pm.

Dancing Branflake said...

Coping skills. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love your labels. Maybe they're all just checking you out, you fine lady!

Lara said...

Yes Chantalle! I'm huge about giving space then my bf yells "watch your gap" and sure enough, some douche squeezes in the space I gave. Hate that!

Maria Trendy said...

Amazing labels. Greetings from Uruguay!

Annabelle said...

I can't handle that kind of traffic. Love the bumper stickers.

Heidi Post said...

I was going to say what two other people already did - about the gap. I always yell "My safe distance is NOT your room to get over!!!" at people. Tailgaiters make me insane too. My usual response is to tap on the brakes a few times. Doesn't always work, but at least I know I'm pissing them off in return.

Trixie said...

I'm convinced half the people tailgate because if you leave the proper amount of space some #$(*#$ will come busting in! Infuriating. Driving in general makes me so angry

I have no solution though I've dreamt of installing cow catchers on the front and back of my car. I delight in picturing myself scooping cars up from in front and behind and tossing them off into the ever present (in my mind) creek.

Claire Kiefer said...

Uh oh, Matt is always getting on me for tailing people. But your post makes me want to amend my behavior. :) I get frustrated in traffic and with slow drivers and sometimes I don't even realize I'm too close. I'm not so bad as to get 5 feet behind someone though . . . I don't think. HA. And I probably don't even notice when people are tailing me cause I don't often look in my rearview mirror. Man, I'm a hazard to the roads! Yikes.

Jen: Sunsets and Swimming Pools said...

After seeing the overpasses collapsing in the Northridge quake and also practically living on the 405 for half of my twenties I vowed to get work in the 818 where we lived, and then have the option of surface streets to and from work. I did it and never looked back :) I feel ya~

♥Aubrey said...

Ah bumper stickers!!! I still think the "finger" is better ;)

P.S. be sure to check out my giveaway. http://hendersons01.blogspot.com/2012/02/big-apple.html

Lorena said...

You crack me up - i don't have a bumper sticker and they make any expensive car look cheap. So i rather stay away because a cheap car+bumper sticker will not get me too far !
I have thought of ways of dealing with those idiots on the road - one of them is having a huge bag of rocks to throw at them. The other is having a like a huge speaker with a microphone so I can insult people.

Phoenix said...

I am not a tailgater by any means, but I am definitely a close driver. As a lot of other people pointed out, if you leave a gap wide enough for a car to fit in to it, sure enough, it will dart in there and then slam on its brakes. So I always make sure I can see the car's rear tires and the full license plate ahead of me, but I'm definitely a close driver. I hope that doesn't stress people out... it doesn't stress me out when people "close-drive" behind me but it definitely stresses me out when people are on my tail. I usually hit my hazards just to let them know that a) I'm paying attention to them being a douchebag and b) I'm not going to go any faster. If nothing else, I've seen some chagrined faces and people back off when I use my hazards (or they zoom around me, which is fine by me - go be involved in someone else's car accident.)

LA is full of rude, rude people (most tailgaters are either hyper aggressive or talking on their cell phones and not aware at all) so I just play happy tunes, listen to NPR, and practice deeeeep breathing. But yes... my long commute sucks too and I have come home in foul moods more than once in my time.

Here's a bumper sticker that you might like: I saw one that quoted the Big Lebowski's "The aggression will not stand, man" and it was subtle and cool but also very pointed.

Carey Brown Strombotne said...

this is so funny! it seems the older i get, the slower i drive and the more room i give people... i swear, i drive just like a grandma! BUT, i'm always interrupting people, so am i still damned to hell? damn, see you there!

SabinePsynopsis said...

Ha! They're all great - but in the end I think the only solution is some functioning public transport system... probably no chances there though.

Kathryn said...

I have always been a granny driver and hate traffic and will avoid it if I possibly can even if it is a longer route; I know it is not "green" but it is less stressful, but realize there is not always that option.

The place I used to work had construction no matter which route was taken and it too would take forever if you hit rush hour even though it was only a few miles away so I feel for you.

his_girl_friday said...

I hate tailgaiters!

Anonymous said...

Ooo i like the sarcastic ones best

Bright Green Laces

ajg-jane said...

Tailgaters. Let's Face it - their time and comfort is much more important than ours.

kimbirdy said...

oh my god i totally know what you mean!! it's worse here in LA than any other city i've ever driven in. i mean people are INSANE the moment they get behind the wheel here. and why is it almost always a lexus or mini? are you kidding me?! i have a 10 yr old volvo - i'm pretty sure they would only be hurting themselves if they rear ended me. actually, whatever, go ahead and tailgate me. i'm happy with a dented bumper and i could use the cash.

ps - once my grandma was tailgating some guy pretty close, so he stopped and opened his trunk. he walked over to her window and said "there you go, now you can just drive right in." she was terrified and has never tailgated since. it was glorious.

Daniela said...

lol our photographer for our wedding is from LA. When we hit traffic here in Boston one day he said it was like a good driving day in LA...and I was getting anxiety it was so bad. Tailgaters suck. I'd throw a nice middle finger back.

hope505 said...

Oh. My. GGODDDDD. Yes!!!!! What's wrong with wanting to have a reasonalble distance between you and other vehicles??

My most hated move is the person who insists on jamming their car into the (exactly-barely-enough)space between you and the car ahead of you, so that suddenly, YOU are on THEIR ass and forced to brake and/or slow down...
* >: (

Kristine said...

If I ever get my license I promise I won't be a tailgater! I'll be the slow driving granny making everyone crazy and turning them into tailgaters. Close talkers make me nuts.I spend the entire conversation backing away and they never get the hint.I need a lot of personal space!

Kitty Stampede said...

HATE IT. Nothing pisses me off more. that and no signalling. but yeah tailgators really boil my blood. sometimes i get so mad i start breaking little breaks at a time at random just so they'll get the idea that i am NOT going to tolerate it. YARGH.

melifaif said...

This is hilarious. I go both ways. {that's what she said} If you are going 50 mph in a 70 mph zone...my ass is riding your ass. Move the eff over. However, no reason to tailgate otherwise. I really got a crack up at these. lol

jenn~the stylish housewife said...

hahahahahah...love this. cracking up over here. my husband claims i tailgate (promise i am none of the other descriptions...i HATE close talkers too) but i have never rear ended anyone. yet my husband on the other hand has multiple times. i swear he has no depth perception. he claims he is anticipating that the idiot in front of him is going to go when it's his turn. instead my husband likes to bump them on their way. phew...now i feel better i got that off my chest. lol.

xoxo, jenn
the stylish housewife

tulpen said...

can't pick a favorite! this is totally one of my pet peeves! If I didn't have little kids, I'd want the 'Suck Cock' one though....