Sunday, June 5, 2016

Cheater


Through the joys of social media I recently found out that my partner of 4 (nearly 5) years was cheating on me.  Unbeknownst to me, these shenanigans were going on for the last year.  Possibly more.  Who knows.  So, needless to say the relationship is over, because FUCK THAT.

The entire experience has been rather awful.  The horrible thoughts never stop when you find out your partner has been living a double life.  I've been questioning every single thing that was ever said or done -- it just feels like all the smiles, words spoken, promises and plans made -- everything was fake, phony, and a gigantic fucking LIE. 

I don't have the energy to get into the horrifying and humiliating details, but let's just say it's like he was trying out for top billing on a Jerry Springer episode.  Or maybe he watched too many bad Lifetime movies (or old rap videos?) and thought, "Hey!  That's the life that I want!" Cheating can be so entertaining as a plot device in fiction -- not so much when your real-life partner is sneaking around and having a relationship with another.  Or, more likely, with OTHERS. 

It all hurts like hell.  My heart has been broken, my confidence crushed.  But it'll be ok.  Shitty things happen all the time, and people find ways to deal and move on. And maybe I'll even find something better someday.  Who knows.

I'm not at the "phoenix-rising" stage just yet -- more like a one-legged penguin slipping and sliding and scrabbling to get some kind of foothold.  I'm just trying to find ways to keep busy and occupy my brain -- in ways that are healthy or at least semi-healthy (note: my attempts to drink during my recent mini-trip to San Diego were not so successful -- it was all I could do to drink 5 beers over 4 days -- LOL!).  I also need to devote some energy into scrounging up some new friends -- seeing as I abandoned most friends when I sunk the majority of my free time into a guy that sunk his prick time into me and into another.  

I did a little reading on-line to find out why people cheat.  The answers are pretty obvious -- it is usually due to unhappiness and/or opportunity.

In semi-hilarious/horrifying news, I also read that men usually cheat "down" -- going for women that are less attractive and that have less social status than their current partner; and women usually cheat "up" -- going for men that are more attractive and that have better economic status than their current partner.   Any way you slice it, it all sounds opportunistic, conniving and manipulative. 

A friend of mine that recently divorced her dirtbag cheating husband also said people cheat -- consciously or unconsciously -- as a power play.  I believe it.  Like a three year old that doesn't always get their way, or a Greedy Gus that wants more more more, they act out, consequences be damned. 

I feel like SOME PEOPLE haven't advanced much past the apes. If you are THAT unhappy in a relationship, just end it.  If you feel the need to pork anything that gives you the time of day, you really don't need to bother attempting to be in any kind of REAL relationship.

So I've been trying to get my head straight -- thinking about things and NOT thinking about things.  I recently took a mini-trip to San Diego to just get away for a few days.  I stayed in the cutest place EVER.  It was good to get away, and it was terrible.  Changing locations doesn't really get rid of problems.  :/  I was so isolated and so ALONE, that everything really just hammered home.  Maybe that's good?  I don't know, but I didn't find myself enjoying much -- just slogging through every moment trying not to have the worst thoughts and not obsess on the shitty facts.  But I did it.  And life will get better eventually.

In the meantime, if you have any words of advice....I'LL GLADLY TAKE THEM.  :)

P.S. The third party involved in this little "love" triangle recently posted a pic on Instagram (presumably in reference to the above-mentioned situation) saying we all make mistakes and we need to forgive others for what they have done.  OH REALLY.  Does this always apply?  Are you supposed to be a MARTYR, forgive and forget, and welcome someone back no matter what their transgression(s)?  My thoughts on this approach?  FUCK THAT.  Aren't there degrees/conditions to forgiveness?  Should EVERYONE be forgiven?  Would you forgive a cheater?  A child molester? A rapist? A murderer?  HITLER?  Does a forgiving heart make you a better person or a CHUMP?  Clearly I am angry and lashing out, but Jesus Fucking Christ shouldn't one set LIMITS on what is acceptable and what isn't?  I guess it's a personal decision, and anyone is welcome to stay on with a cheater if they want to.  Me?  NO THANKS.  I can do better and DESERVE BETTER, or I will do without.


8 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're a badass. Shitty stuff happens all the time, and we somehow end up getting through it (even if it hurts like hell). Keep on keepin on!

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

Gees, I wish I had some immediately helpful advice. Time will make the pain less sharp, and you will realize that it was him, not you, and the day will come when you'll simply pity the 3rd party because she is pathetic. People are THE WORST!

Lorena said...

Oh wow. I am really sorry to hear this.
Lately of all of the cheating stories I have heard of, all have been discovered by the use of technology. Wether it be social media or Whatsapp.
In my case I let go, but I never forgive or forget.
I think spending alone time is ok, even though its painful. You could go on a drinking spree or similar but at the end you'd have to deal with the same stuff.. SO better now than later. The sooner you begin to heal, the sooner you can go on with your life.
If I had to give any advice... get yourself a good gay friend, they have proven, in my case, to be the most amazing support you can have.

KaH said...

I can't believe this... This is not good. I feel for you and I am super sorry this has happened to you. Sucks so bad, but as cliche as it sounds - at least you found out. AND you are so allowed to be angry, pissed etc. Get that stuff out of your system now so you don't dwell on it later. AND don't go back to it (I have made that mistake).

I have been in this situation too (the cheating down...way down...trust me!). I thought it wouldn't get better and of course it did. Just takes time for you to forget about how bad it is right now. You will be so much happier down the road. Good riddance to that toxic bs.

The SD place you stayed at was awesome. I want to go! You are always to come visit Boston!

Ashton Wright said...

Is it cliche to say that I'm sorry this happened to you? I've never been cheated on, but I have been in a cheating situation. I started seeing a guy who I believed to be single. I found out that he had a girlfriend when they came into the place I was working and he was forced to introduce her. I felt so dirty and angry and used. But I did eventually move on and so will you! Just hang in there, girl.

Shannon said...

Nothing sucks more than being cheated on. It damages your self esteem and erodes your trust in everyone for a long time. My first serious boyfriend cheated on me with my then best friend (unfuckingbelievable). It shattered me for a while, but thankfully it was my "out" in a relationship with a macho prick with a small d*ck so I see it as lucky happenstance now, decades later.

I'm so sorry you wasted your time and trust on someone like this, but better partners are waiting for you - ones that would never do something so pathetic, and ones that will truly love you for you and see you as more than enough for them. Your attitude toward the situation is very healthy and I'm sending you lots of healing, love, and sympathy. I recommend getting over it and rising above it, but can't say that I see any room for forgiveness with cheaters. Screw them.

Wish we lived closer! I love that we are virtual friends, but I think we'd jive in real life and I know how it feels to need a true friend in times like this. Stay strong, sister! xo

Anonymous said...

Sorry you went through this. Good for you for moving on. Love your blog.

Kathryn said...

I am sorry to hear this and sorry that this happened to you.

Emotionally, your heart may want to erase what has happened and go back to the way things used to be, but like the pill in the "Matrix", once you have swallowed the truth, you can never really go back.

Getting over it will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life; but once someone hurts you like that no one can really ever hurt you that much again and you end up stronger in the long run.

While eventually you have to forgive the parties for you own piece of mind to move on, that is between you and God, not you and them and you owe them nothing.

Liars and cheater usually end up getting theirs in the end and they are cheated on the way they have cheated on you.






What I suggest is gather up your friends and relatives to stay strong during this difficult period and people who truly care about you will be there for you.