Monday, August 14, 2017

Fuck It

Helen Mirren in Caligula


A while back I heard that stories that resonate the most with audiences are those in which the teller exposes his/her own shame or humiliation.  

This is probably my most shameful and humiliating story to date, but whatever.  It is also the most hilarious/horrifying dating story that I've had in a while, and I think I have an audience of ONE at this point, so FUCK IT, I'm going to go ahead and tell it. 

So, I'm single.  The on-line dating thing is...well, I don't know how to describe it.  It can be really fun.  Really entertaining.  And sometimes really disappointing.

Mostly I get interest from dudes in their 20s and 30s that like the chubtastic/curvy ladies.  Uh, I'm 47.  That isn't gonna fly, as I don't just want sex, and that is pretty much all they want.  I'll admit that more than one has tempted me.  I have almost almost almost taken up one or two on their offers, but in the end I refrained.

Lately most of those in my age group that are interested in me just haven't seem quite right -- either not enough personality, not interesting enough, or something was either a bit off or way off.  But there was one dude recently that really seemed like a good possibility.  Right age, local, tall enough, pretty cute, and he had one of the best dating profiles that I have ever read -- he put effort into it and didn't just phone it in, and it wasn't just a bunch of typical boring, cliche crap.  AND he was interested in me.  Winner!!!  So we texted back and forth and that was great.  And we talked on the phone and he had me laughing so hard (I'm a sucker for any dude that is fun, funny and good in bed, and he was already rocking it in two out of three categories).  We talked and talked one Saturday afternoon, and he had one of the best stories that I have ever heard, and finally he asked if I wanted to meet that night.  I said YES.  He was about an hour's drive away, and it was already about 8:30 at night.  It's always tough to figure out where to meet -- bars are too noisy, it was too late for dinner, a park late at night seemed like a horrible idea, etc.  So I was in FUCK IT MODE (always problematic for me.  ALWAYS.  Foreshadowing!!!!), and I said, "You can just come to my place.  If you try anything, I'll fucking kill you."  This made him laugh, but I think he took me seriously.

So about an hour later I heard him pull up on his motorcycle (it's like I have dog-ears -- I hear it all).  He sent me a text and asked if I wanted to step outside, check him out, check out his bike, and make sure I was comfortable with him.  I went outside.  He pretty much looked like his pics (win), but he was NOT 5'11", but I didn't call him out on that.  I thought his bike was not at all cool -- totally meh -- but whatever.  So he seemed ok with me/my appearance, which was a relief.  And we went inside.  And, the conversation was good.  And, well, I didn't plan for anything to happen (maybe I did subconsciously????), but he was so cute, so funny, and a little touching and a little kissing felt so good, and of course we ended up in bed.  And we didn't use a condom, as neither of us had one on hand.  I know, I know.  But I'm human.  And idiotic.  And I just wasn't thinking clearly.  At all!!!  Go ahead and judge me.  Sigh. 

The sex was pretty, pretty good.  Ok, it was really good.  Mmmmmmhmmmmm.  And both parties seemed very happy.  But about 4 seconds after it was over he said: "You'd be great in a threesome! I have some lesbian friends that would LOVE you.  And I have a standing invitation to an orgy that is held once a month.  Are you game????"

OMFG.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Well my mind exploded as I heard all of this -- I just had sex without a condom with a dude that GOES TO MOTHERFUCKING ORGIES.  

Needless to say, my next stop was at the Hollywood Free Clinic for a round of STD testing.  It's a small clinic.  The receptionist desk is near the room full of patients, and it is hard to keep the talk on the down-low.  So the receptionist asked what I was in for.  I tried to say very quietly STD TESTING.  Of course it felt like everyone heard.  They probably did.  They were all probably there for the same thing. The receptionist was a total sweetie -- he patted my hand and told me whatever I had, if I had anything, would be treatable.  He asked if I had any symptoms, to which I said, "Racing heart, shame and paranoia." He blinked and asked if I had any other symptoms.  Lol.

So anywhoo, those are the highlights/lowlights of my stupid experience.  I could give 19 million more details, but I just can't.  My panic has faded and it appears the patient will live.  And now I have a zillion condoms stuffed in my purse and at my house for the next gent that (hopefully) comes along and doesn't require participation in MOTHERFUCKING ORGIES!!!!!  :)


P.S. Truth be told, I have wondered more than once since this event....Could I do a threesome?   An orgy?  Should I?????  I am not sure at what point my judgment left the building. 



8 comments:

Donna said...

That is too funny. It's going to be hard for you to top that one, not that you would want to. Thanks for sharing!

Marla said...

It's hilarious, no judging here! I LOVE what you said to the receptionist, absolute best part of the story!!!

Lorena said...

OMG... i have to ask, did you see him again ?!

KaH said...

HA!This is amazing on so many levels!

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Anonymous said...
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diane said...

Oh honey, you poor girl. Just remember, nothing lasts, not even our troubles.
You'll always have the memory of a wild night. We all make mistakes and pray for forgiveness.

SweetBonita said...

Could there be more dates in the future, sans orgies if you so choose not to? Or was it like, a no-go after he told you that?!?!